Space Force Debuts Snazzy New Uniforms That Make Total Sense For Space
Though many of us have still yet to fully wrap our heads around the whole Space Force thing, the Twitter account for the currently non-existent military branch revealed what the official Space Force uniforms will look like:
The first #SpaceForce utility uniform nametapes have touched down in the Pentagon. @EsperDoD @SecAFOfficial… https://t.co/m85b5RM7NO— United States Space Force (@United States Space Force) 1579308722.0
As you will notice, these uniforms are camouflage. More specifically, they are the kind of camouflage that one wears in areas where there are a lot of trees — a thing that "space" is notably lacking. One would think, at the very least, the space uniforms would be unitards of some variety, as we have all been lead to believe by television, but no! Tree camouflage it is!
The Space Force Twitter account followed up criticism by explaining that they don't need space camouflage because no one is even going to space yet and that the Space Force will just be hanging out here on the ground, thank you very much. Sometimes they'll probably go in that spinny thing they used to show in the Space Camp commercials, but that's about it.
Now, I don't think anyone actually thinks anyone is going to actual space. This is just gonna be a weird thing that we spend $4 billion on and then later use as an example of the kind of weird shit went down in the Trump administration. Like Reagan's Star Wars. Although that has cost us hundreds of billions of dollars and is still costing us billions of dollars despite never having accomplished doing a single thing it was supposed to do.
It should not shock you to know that this is by far the first camouflage fail in recent history. Back in 2003, the army initially headed out to Iraq wearing dark green camouflage, which was not helpful at all! See, the worst people in the country was so super jazzed to head right over to go start shit with a country that had done nothing to us in order to punish them for a thing that people from other countries did, that the army just did not have time to order enough of the desert-themed camouflage that would have been helpful. Rather than sending even some people out in the correct camo while they waited on a new shipment, they decided that homogeneity was the most important thing, so they decked everyone out in woodland BDUs. You know, because of all the woodland. In Iraq.
Then, in 2005, the army spent $5 billion dollars on "pixelated" camouflage that it later turned out did not work. At all. As camouflage. If they had tested it at all, they probably would have discovered this, but they didn't feel like they needed to bother.
In 2017, it was revealed that the military had spent $94 million on ineffective but extremely expensive camouflage for the Afghan army — $28 million more than they would have spent on camouflage that actually worked as camouflage. They, too, were wearing the woodland style camouflage in a country that is 98% desert. It cost that much extra because instead of using a camouflage they owned and had the rights to, they decided to pay for the rights to use the "Spec4ce Forest Uniform camouflage pattern from HyperStealth Biotechnology Corporation."
Of course, spending a fuckton of money on things the military does not actually need while guffawing at the foolish and idealistic pie-in-the-sky idea of spending less money then we are all currently spending on health care to make it so everyone has health care is really just the American way.
And now, this is your open thread. Enjoy!
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse