Family time's important, if you're Paul Ryan

In case you were wondering how long it would take newly elected Speaker of the House Paul Ryan to remind everyone he's still a standard-issue Republican dick, the answer is: Haha, dummy, did it break your brain when you fell off the turnip truck this morning?

Speaker Ryan spent his Sunday blah blahing on all the teevee shows, even though having weekends off was one of his conditions for taking the job in the first place. Guess he made a special exception. Family time is important when you're an entitled male asshole whose ambition and dedication to his job would never be questioned, on account of having a penis.

Here is Speaker Ryan, savior of the Grand Ol' Party and Congress itself, chatting with "Fox News Sunday" host John Roberts and being a dick -- to you, and you, and your mom, and your dad, and your kids, and your grandparents, and your neighbors, and your college roommate (yeah, the one who always finished the milk without replacing it), and basically all of America:

ROBERTS: And there are many people in this country who would like to see you make your first priority legislation that gives people the backing of the federal government so that they can have time with their families. Would you make that one of your priorities?

RYAN: So, I don't think people asked me to be speaker so that I can take more money from hardworking taxpayers to create some new federal entitlement. But I think people want to have members of Congress that represent them. That are like them. Don't you want your member of Congress to be a citizen legislator, who lives with you, among you, who has your own kinds of concerns? Who wants to spend time with his children on Saturdays and Sundays?

First of all, "the people" who asked Ryan to be speaker are named John Boehner, and Boehner was tasked with the thankless job of finding his own replacement so he could get the hell out and go home to Ohio. It's not as if there was a national outcry of Reg'lar Americans demanding Ryan for speaker.

And B: No one in America gives a fuck if Paul Ryan gets to have family time. Seriously, no one. Why? Because Americans are too busy figuring out how to have family time for themselves, on a paycheck that's, on average, a good $100k less than Ryan's, with far fewer benefits. Nobody has the time or energy to think to themselves, as they're working a double-shift or using up their last day of accrued vacation to stay home wiping the vomit from their sick kid's face, "Gosh, I sure hope Speaker Ryan is getting enough quality time with his family."

Thirdly, if Ryan is convinced Americans don't want him spending taxpayer dollars to guarantee them even a fraction of the benefits Ryan enjoys -- on our taxpayer dollars -- then in what universe do they want to ensure that Ryan, and Ryan only, gets family time as a guaranteed benefit of his job?

No, really, explain that, Speaker Ryan:

That, I think, is what most people want in their life: is a balance. So if you're asking me, because I want to spend, I want to continue being the best dad and husband and speaker I can be, getting that work-life balance correct, means I should sign up for some new, unfunded entitlement? That doesn't make any sense to me.

Be right back, engraving the medal for World's Bestest Dad And Hubby EVER.

All those other Sucker-Americans who work nights and weekends and holidays and don't get unlimited sick days and paid leave and vacation, and don't get to spend the kind of time with their families that they might like, must not want it badly enough.

Or maybe, unlike Paul Ryan, for whom his colleagues agreed a demand of work-life balance was perfectly reasonable, don't deserve it. Certainly not at the expense of their fellow taxpayers.

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Sweet-and-sour fuck on a stick, what an asshole. Ryan wants his weekends free. His colleagues think they aren't paid enough. And they don't want Americans to have "socialized" Obamacare, but they can't get their taxpayer-subsidized healthcare for themselves fast enough.

Hell, Ryan's home state of Wisconsin banned Milwaukee from enacting a mandatory paid sick leave law the voters passed.

New Hampshire Sen. Kelly Ayotte, who never met a pro-family piece of legislation she didn't vote against, recently instructed parents that it's really important to take time for themselves, on top of all that family time. How they're supposed to do that when the political party in control of Congress doesn't want to waste taxpayer dollars on "entitlements" (like paid leave and healthcare and minimum wages, for example) -- well, you figure that one out yourselves, Reg'lar Americans.

But see, it's different for members of Congress. They want it more. And they deserve it more. How else could we attract the kind of highly skilled talent of say, Louie Gohmert or Steve King or Paul "D as in douchebag" Ryan, if we didn't provide government-funded pay and perks to lure them into public service? Imagine the kind of low-quality workers who wouldn't even know how to deny "entitlements" to their fellow Americans, if all we, the people, offered was the minimum wage and some food stamps. (No crab legs or TV, moochers.)

Guess if you want that kind of work-life balance members of Congress are so concerned with, you gotta run for Congress, where such benefits are guaranteed. Otherwise, it's simply not something the American taxpayers can afford.

[The Hill]