SPICEY! You gotta get this shit under control, dude! Change your diet, do some yoga, whatever. Your job is to lie to reporters on camera every afternoon. Losing your damn mind and winding up on the front page only causes bloggers to blockquote you and highlight the nonsense bits.

Spicer: April, go ahead.

April Ryan: All right, thank you. Sean -- don’t seem so happy. Anyway, with all of these investigations, questions of what 'is' is, how does this administration try to revamp its image? Two and a half months in, you’ve got this Yates story today, you’ve got other things going on, you’ve got Russia, you’ve got wiretapping, you’ve got --

Spicer: No, we don’t have that.

See, there you are! You call on the nice lady from American Urban Radio Networks, and she points out that your boss is knee-deep in shit and shoveling fast. You're supposed to mumble a bland denial and keep moving.

Ryan: There are investigations on Capitol Hill --

Spicer: No, no -- I get it. But you keep -- I’ve said it from the day that I got here until whatever that there is no connection. You’ve got Russia. If the President puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that’s a Russian connection. But every single person --

Ryan: It’s beyond that. You're making it--

Spiver: Well, no -- I appreciate your agenda here, but the reality is --

Ryan: It's not my agenda.

Ruh roh! See, this is how you wind up on Saturday Night Live every single week. You have your canned joke about Russian dressing, hardeehar, and then you can't stop yourself from mansplaining all over the little lady's "agenda."

Spicer: No, hold on. At some point, report the facts. The facts are that every single person who has been briefed on this subject has come away with the same conclusion -- Republican, Democrat. So I’m sorry that that disgusts you. You’re shaking your head. I appreciate it, but --

Ryan: I'm shaking my head and I’m listening, and I’m trying to get --

Spicer: Okay, but understand this -- that at some point, the facts are what they are, and every single person who has been briefed on this situation with respect to the situation with Russia -- Republican, Democrat, Obama-appointee, career -- have all come to the same conclusion. At some point, April, you’re going to have to take “no” for an answer, with respect to whether or not there was collusion.

Well, that escalated quickly. If only ladies could come to work and do their jobs without getting all squicked out by "the facts!"

Sean, have you tried speaking in all caps? Watch this.


See! If you shout and use lots of exclamation points, no one will notice that you're just making shit up. Sure, the FBI is actively investigating collusion between Trumpland and Russian hackers. That just means you need to talk louder. Period.

Spicer: No, no, but you put it -- April, hold on. It seems like you’re hell-bent on trying to make sure that whatever image you want to tell about this White House stays, because at the end of the day --

Ryan: I am just reporting what --

Spicer: Okay, but you know what?  You’re asking me a question, and I’m going to answer it, which is the President -- I’m sorry. Please stop shaking your head again. But at some point, the reality is that this President continues to reach out to individuals who’ve supported him, who didn’t support him -- Republicans, Democrats -- to try to bring the country together and move forward on an agenda that’s going to help every American.

Is that what you meant by, “Every day I want to put points on the board?" Because you just went from, "Sean needs to get more roughage in his diet" to "Sean is a raging dick who talks down to women who are just doing their jobs." Unlike some people who seem think their job is to cause #BlackWomenWorking to trend on Twitter.

Or, as Ryan herself put it:

And you managed to do it on the same day when Bill O'Reilly attacked Congresswoman Maxine Waters for her "James Brown Wig." Timing is everything, Bro! Here, have a lecture on structural racism and sexism in the workplace from a woman who knows a few things about that.

Well played, Spicey. Well played.

[ Whitehouse.gov ]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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