Spoiler: Jeb Bush Does Not Win Nevada

Not so much

We are on the edge of our poker table stools, sipping our complimentary well drinks and wondering who (Donald Trump) will win the Republican caucuses in Nevada this evening. Will it be Donald Trump? (Yes.) Or will it be John Kasich? (No, it will be Donald Trump.) Or perhaps Ben Carson? (No, he is busy sleeping, and also, it will be Donald Trump.) Will it be Marco Rubio, in second place? (LOL, maybe.)

At 5 PM Vegas time, Republicans take their turn yelling in each other's faces about who should Make America Great Again and whose mother is a dirty foreign and "You're a cuckservative!" and "You're a RINO!" and "Your guy hates the Bible!" and "Your guy is TED CRUZ!"

[contextly_sidebar id="YJfpUl6hYp2bvScxpQnthvazbw1Ki0JT"]Anything could happen at the raucous caucus, but there is one thing we already know for a fact: no one will gather in a casino corner to shout "Jeb can fix it!" And not just because Jeb finally peaced out of this race on Saturday, after a humiliating defeat in South Carolina, following a humiliating defeat in New Hampshire, which came after a humiliating defeat in Iowa, which came on the heels of a humiliating campaign, all of which was preceded by a lifetime of ultimately unreasonable expectations that he would not bring shame and disgrace upon the family name even more than his drooling idiot brother Dubya, the coked-up drunk "gentlemen's C" occasional-flyboy, who nearly died from eating a pretzel.

According to the very few and not especially reliable polls taken in Nevada, nobody in the state ever cared much for Jeb Bush, except for briefly, in early 2015, before he was officially a presidential candidate. It's all been downhill from there.

Ah well. So long, Jeb, we were almost tired of making fun of you. And now it is a five-way race between Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, John Kasich, Marco Rubio, and Marco Rubio's delusions, which are on the rise and posing a credible threat to Rubio. What about Ben Carson? Shhhh, we told you, he's sleeping.

Whatever happens, such as Donald Trump probably winning, it should be a rollicking good time, if by "rollicking good time" we mean an absolute clusterfuck that will likely make the Democratic caucuses look quite orderly, which we do.


Have fun storming the casino, boys, and may the best Trump win.


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