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Stephen Hawking Has Groupies, And Leon Panetta Spoons With Congress

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Mensa spokesmanSTEPHEN HAWKING, who would have been murdered with Zyklon B if he lived in the UK, was spotted lunching in DC with a group of EIGHT OTHER PEOPLE -- one of whom was sporting an "American flag tank top." Was Stephen enjoying a leisurely snack with the children of CAMP HAWKING, where campers hike, sing songs, finger paint, and theorize about quantum gravity and black holes? Or has Mr. Hawking befriended THE PRODIGY, who made the American flag tank top/shirt famous forever? ...


The CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY and CONGRESS have always had a strained relationship, especially after they fought bitterly in court for custody of TERRI SCHIAVO. (Why did the CIA want to train Terri as an elite ninja assassin? That was just irresponsible.) But that's all in the past, because Spymaster LEON PANETTA wants to turn a new (redacted) page ...

Since counseling was not working, the estranged couple ingested several tablets of ECSTASY, and after fifteen minutes or so, everything became soft and sexy and really really great. Leon and Congress felt a spectacular, magical connection to one another -- it was like, they should just hot glue their bodies together, and never ever let go. Then Leon apologized for that time the CIA shot JOHN KENNEDY in the head, and Congress said it was sorry for threatening to investigate ABU GHRAIB. Then they put on the THEME FROM SHAFT and got busy. Later that evening, BARNEY FRANK basically dry humped Leon to death, and Leon just stood there and took it like a man, because what else could he do? ...

REP. ILEANA ROS-LEHTINEN (R-FLA) recently visited an Israeli police station in Sderot, where she perused a collection of pebbles, stones and Qassam rockets that Palestinians have thrown at the small town over the years. Ros-Lehtinen then took a tour of the local ISRAELI WHITE PHOSPHOROUS FACTORY. "So it goes."

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com

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