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It's not that we think the new book Team of Vipers: My 500 Extraordinary Days in the Trump White House, written by former Trump idiot staffer Cliff Sims, is going to teach us totally new things about Donald Trump or the cohort of poop-goblins who surround him in the White House. He's mostly confirming things we already know. For instance, we already knew Kellyanne Conway was a two-faced hell person before we read the book excerpt last week about how Kellyanne Conway is a two-faced hell person. It's more that we are just in love with how vivid Sims's accounts are, which makes sense, because according to a new article about Sims's book in The Atlantic, in advance of its Tuesday release, the dude fucking took notes on literally every encounter he had during his time in the Trump administration, to the point that it creeped other folks out.

So today, because of that interview in The Atlantic, we have more vivid and gross things from the book, about what a fucking idiot Trump really is -- again, not new information -- and how there is something deeply and tragically wrong at the darkest core of Stephen Miller -- not new information either! We all know the stories about Stephen Miller in high school, how he was already exhibiting signs of being a white supremacist sociopath, and we also know that both Miller's uncle and his childhood rabbi have gone public to talk shit about what a rancid little troll he is. (The rabbi devoted A SERMON to "Stephen Miller sucks hairy nuts." For real.)

Sims writes of Miller being a two-faced backstabbing crapsack, which is nothing new because pretty much everybody in the Trump White House is one of those. But there's another line, when Sims is talking about how he, an evangelical Christian, was really grossed out by how fucking evil the Trump administration acted toward refugees -- even the ones who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal life coach! -- and Stephen Miller said this to him:


[Sims] writes about his struggle to reconcile his Christian faith with working for a president who, for example, "totally lacked nuance" in his attitude toward refugees—particularly "persecuted Christians," whom Trump "promise[d]" to help but "[never] did." Sims writes that he took this concern at one point to Stephen Miller, who, he writes, told him, "I would be happy if not a single refugee foot ever again touched America's soil."

What. Is. Wrong. With. Him.

He was raised by liberals in Santa Monica, so we're just going to assume this is one of those things where God accidentally breathed life into somebody from His most holy discard pile, and that when baby Stephen was born, a mighty "OH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" rang out in Heaven, and all the angels were like "Ummmmmmmmm stay away from God right now. He's having a day, if you know what I mean. Yeah, kinda like that time He accidentally made Baby Hitler."

In the Wow, Trump Is A Dipshit department, we have a scene of Gary Cohn, Trump's old economic adviser, handing the reins to Larry Kudlow, Trump's new economic adviser, where Kudlow learns what a burlesque ride of dumbfuckery he had just signed up for, in agreeing to join the White House:

In his first few days as director of the National Economic Council, Sims writes, Larry Kudlow emerged from a meeting with the president looking flustered. He told Gary Cohn, his predecessor, that Trump ordered him to "stop" a "special deal" that he believed Amazon was getting from the U.S. Postal Service. "Gary laughed loudly," Sims writes. "'Welcome to the White House,' [Cohn] said, shaking Larry's hand … 'It's total bulls—.'" Cohn explained that Amazon was not, in fact, getting "some special deal." "He's just mad at [Jeff] Bezos for owning The Washington Post."

"'So' Larry replied hesitantly, 'I shouldn't do anything about this?'" Sims writes that Cohn told Kudlow not to bother, adding, "But now you know why I'm so happy to be leaving."

No, Larry Kudlow, you don't have to take orders from the president if they're patently insane. Did you learn nothing from Anonymous White House Staffer and Jim Mattis?

Finally, here is Donald Trump, talking out loud with his mouth about keeping the kids off the opioids, using very normal human words:

"We need to scare kids so much that they will never touch a single drug in their entire life," he told Conway, according to Sims. "Just give this to Cliff and let him make the most horrifying ads you've ever seen. Could you do that?"

Sims "just nodded." "No, I mean it," Trump continued. "We need people dying in a ditch. I want bodies stacked on top of bodies … Do it like they did cigarettes. They had body bags piled all over the streets and ugly people with giant holes in their faces and necks.

"Next thing you know," he concluded, "the kids don't want to be cool and smoke anymore."

Or you could kick the pharmaceutical industry's ass for inflicting the opioid crisis on America, but that would require learning the answers to questions like "what is opioid," and learning stuff is tough and hard and NUH UH.

Better to just make scary say no to smoking drugs ads like they had in the 1980s, which eliminated all the drugs and the cigarettes FOREVER.

For more, hit that link from The Atlantic. Or just buy the book, if you want to, come on, you know you wanna.

[The Atlantic]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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