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Last Thursday, The Dealmaker in Chief got absolutely spanked by Democrats on the debt ceiling. And he loved it! Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan had hoped to twist Democratic arms until they agreed to raise the debt ceiling for 18 months.


"No, Donald!" they hissed! "We have to push this out past the 2018 midterms. Those Freedom Caucus loons never sign off without a massive hissy fit and bedshitting. We can't let people see that right before they vote! You have to focus!"

But just at that moment, Ivanka wandered in and the old man got distracted. You know, if he wasn't her father, perhaps he'd be dating her!

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi have been at this a long time.

"How about three months, so we can browbeat you guys with this issue for the rest of the year?" they said.

And before Paul Ryan could P90X him into submission, Donald Trump shouted, "DEAL!"

Check out old Yertle's face!

Blissfully unaware of what he'd done, Donald Trump rolled over for a nice bellyrub from the same reporters who've done nothing but whack him across the snout for months. From The Hill,

Schumer also detailed the phone call he received from Trump after the deal, praising the positive media coverage of their meeting.

“I got a call early this morning,” Schumer recalled. “He said, ‘This was so great!’ Here’s what he said: ‘Do you watch Fox News?’ I said, ‘Not really.’ ‘They’re praising you!’ Meaning me. But he said, ‘And your stations’ — I guess meaning MSNBC and CNN — ‘are praising me! This is great!’”

LORDY.

Chuck's "stations" may have been happy, but Republicans in Congress were PISSED. So the White House dispatched the Treasury Secretary to huddle up with the House Republicans and persuade them that it's actually awesome that they got screwed by a president from their own party. Because who better to wage a charm offensive than Steve Mnuchin, right?

Mr. Irresistible

The whole thing was amazing, but Mnuchin really wowed them with his closing argument.

Vote for the debt ceiling for me.

FOR ME. Win one for the Gipper, and the Gipper is Steve!

Way to read a room, Steve! Sure, a bunch of deficit hawks who actually believe that shit about drowning the government in a bathtub are going to respond to a personal appeal from a Goldman Sachs guy. And your wife would still love you if you lost all your money tomorrow.

SURVEY SAYS:

Rep. Ryan Costello (R-Pa.), via The Hill

About as well received as his wife's Instagram post.

Rep. Dave Brat (R-Va.), via Bloomberg

The comments from the Treasury secretary today were not helpful. I found them to be intellectually insulting.

Rep. Ted Yoho (R-Fl.), via CNN

You know what, unfortunately you don't get voted in or voted out and you can't vote for me.

Random pissed off Republican Congressman, via The Hill

It was a very arrogant lecture that turned off more of the conference. I’m less sold than when I walked into the meeting.

Well-played, Steve!

Does Mnuchin have a plan to get a better deal from Democrats in December? NOPE. Will Trump get rolled again because Chuck Schumer is the tough but loving father figure little Donny always wanted? YEAH, PROBABLY. Has Mnuchin burnt his bridges with the House Freedom Caucus? YUP.

Mnuchin sealed the deal by leaving for another appointment while there was still a line of Congressmen waiting to speak to him. Because he is comically bad at his job. The bill passed with help from Democrats after 90 Republicans decided not to vote for Steve. Turns out that dissing people after asking them to eat a shit sandwich is a losing political strategy! Go know!

Schmuck! Ven er zol handlen mit takhrikhim, volt men oyfgehert shtarbn! (Schmuck! If he were an undertaker, people would stop dying!)

[The Hill / Bloomberg / CNN / Politico]

Good Monday Morning, Wonkers! Click here to fund another week of snarking in Trump's America!

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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