Steve Stockman Seeks 'Smart' Intern Who Loves America And Babbies, Hates Granola And Islamics
Hey, young political junkies! Are you looking for a chance to make a difference, or at least make a lot of copies and coffee? Maybe you should apply for aCongressional internship! And here's one that sounds real darn fun:
Texas Representative- 08/25/2014
The House’s most unique and courageous conservative seeks smart, happy interns (of all ages and backgrounds) for the reminder [sic] of the year. Alas, we cannot pay you. Schedules and start/end dates are negotiable if you’re worth it. We do not insist on specific, arbitrary submissions: send us whatever personal materials you think will give us reason to hire you, even if that’s just a standard boring resume and canned cover letter. Writing samples are encouraged, but not required, because even a short cover letter belies and betrays a lousy writer. Brevity is the soul of wit.
We totally agree that you can tell a lot about someone from their writing. For instance, a staffer who writes a paragraph like this is almost certainly suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and is desperately in need of help. We aren't sure about this jerb already, because we don't know whether we could handle the "House’s most unique and courageous conservative" -- maybe we should settle for someone a little less one-of-a-kind, huh? -- but let's read on:
This Member is not a jerk, and neither loathes nor avoids interns, but loves them, and actually speaks to them. If you are selected for this internship you will have extraordinary access to the Member and to meaningful projects that go well beyond the standard intern grunt work (or your money back).
Hahaha, we get it, because you already said it's an unpaid position! You are pretty funny, staffer for this Member who is not a jerk! It would be a shame if we got all the way through this little exercise and figured out that the Member is actually something of a jerk, like the kind of person who would invite Ted Nugent to the State of the Union address, or run a seriously WTF Senate campaign, now wouldn't it? We guess at this point we'll stop pretending we didn't see our own headline, too!
Now here's the weird thing: Mr. Stockman is actually going bye-bye from the House, since he lost that primary race against John Cornyn, but he is indeed looking for an intern for the "reminder of the year." Ha-ha, we would say that the reminder of the year should be, "Hey! Steve! You LOST! Staple your own shit for the 12 days the House will be in session!"
So what sort of person is best for this jerb?
Personality and ideology are important. Please bring a confident, vigorous intellect and no drama. Ideal candidates will be true patriots who can count up to 17 in trillions, and care more about future generations than they do about sucking up to current leadership. Mushy pleasers/appeasers keep walkin’.
Wait, we're not sure what you mean there. Break it down for us, will you?
HINT: vapid granolas who fear guns, hate babies, are ashamed of America, and think Islamic terrorists and illegal aliens are just misunderstood will not be comfortable here.
Reply to: email@example.com.
Ohhhhhhhh, okay, we guess maybe we'll go for that vacancy as a back scrubber down at the YWCA then.
But wait, Dok, you may be saying to yourself, how do you know that's Steve Stockman? The ad only says "Texas Republican," and lord knows there's no shortage of red-meat wingers from Texas. How do you know 'tis not Louie Gohmert, after all?
Excellent questions, Grasshopper! Let us DO JOURNALISM to this! For one thing, the position is only to the end of the year, with no hint that it may continue if the Member is re-elected. For a second thing, "Kim Tape" is not a code name, but is actually a real live staffer for Steve Stockman (protip: Do not just Google "Kim Tape" on its own, or you'll get nothing but ads for Kardashian sex videos). Nailed it! Also, it helped a lot that Roll Call said the ad was for a Stockman intern, but they didn't show their work.
Godspeed to the lucky applicant who gets the internship; maybe if you really prove yourself, you can continue on with ol' Steve as he goes back to making money from his mystery source of income, whatever it is. We're thinking it involves an RV out in the desert, so make sure you bring your own industrial-quality respirator. Also, since you'll be among the last of his interns, and working for just a few weeks, you may not want to bet on being in a cool video like this:
Or maybe this cool thing from last year!
Aw, hell, let's just be realists here. You're going to spend most of your time putting stuff into boxes (and maybe shredding "evidence"), so this internship may actually be better suited for someone who wants to work at AAA-1 Acme Moving and Storage. But you can take home as much bubble wrap as you can carry.
[Tip and copy of internship announcement from alert Wonkette Operative "J.K." / Roll Call]
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.