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Stocks Collapse Worldwide On News About Meg Whitman

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Unloved corporate failure Meg Whitman was last seen insisting that she should be governor of California because goddammit, shepaid $141 million to be governor of California. And now the former eBay executive has re-appeared on the public stage, with news that she will be hired to run the ruined tech company Hewlett Packard. The rumor/announcement was greeted by a global plunge in all stocks, led by a collapse in all technology shares. Why can't she just leave Earth alone? Aren't things bad enough without Meg Whitman?


Whitman and another failed Silicon Valley executive, Carly Fiorina, decided in 2010 that they would each like to buy a big political office in California, because they were bored and had hundreds of millions of dollars from their accomplishments: yelling at underlings, laying off tens of thousands of American workers, and driving big companies into the ground. Whitman decided to be governor and Fiorina decided to be a U.S. Senator. Neither had any idea of what they were doing and didn't even know how to vote in regular Election Day situations. Naturally, they ran as Republicans. Both were crushed.

What do you call it when delusional Republican multimillionaire CEOs fail to buy their way into office in California during a terrible recession? "Year of the Woman," obviously.

And the crazy people who run HP have been trying their best to destroy what's left of the computer company, probably as part of some elaborate 2012 ritual. They keep making weird announcements like, "Let's not make computers anymore," and then the shares plunge and they try to think of something else, like, "Let's hire Meg Whitman as CEO. We already had Carly Fiornia!"

The markets responded like this:

Hewlett-Packard Co. led a broad-based selloff In tech stocks by midday Thursday after a report surfaced that Meg Whitman, the former eBay Inc. chief, was expected to be named chief executive of the beleaguered tech giant after the closing bell.

At least HP is leading something again! Oh yeah, and all stocks everywhere are plunging. We are apparently in another Global Depression now. Hope you enjoyed the recovery! [Marketwatch]

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And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!

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Republicans are in a pickle. Midterms are coming up and the party in the White House usually loses seats in those elections. It doesn't help their chances that their guy Donald Trump frolics through fields holding hands with self-made Russian dictator and coincidental poisoner Vladimir Putin, who our own justice department believes attacked our mostly free elections and our true national monument, the Internet.

If you're as old as I am, you'll recall that back in the 1980s, the whole Republican brand involved not trusting the Ruskies, and they were especially disappointed when Kevin Costner turned out to be one in No Way Out. Now, the current Republican president is talking like some kind of crazy commie lib, bashing the FBI and giving the benefit of the doubt to a former KGB agent. During an interview Sunday where he wore a hat with "USA" in big letters on it, presumably so someone could easily return him if he got lost on the field trip, Trump went so far as to call the European Union a "foe" of his country, which if you believe his hat is supposedly the United States not Russia.

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