This is not the dress.

We do not know why porn star Stormy Daniels kept the gold dress (OR IS IT BLUE?) she wore the night Donald Trump allegedly jizzed on her while he cried about how scary sharks are. Maybe she just happened to keep it and never wore it again. Maybe she kept it for blackmail purposes. MAYBE SHE KNEW HE WOULD BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY BECAUSE SHE IS A SPY FOR RUSSIA.

The point is, Stormy Daniels says she has the blue gold dress she wore that fateful night, and she's gonna get that shit tested:

Sources close to Daniels tell The Blast the shimmering gold mini dress with a plunging neckline was kept in pristine condition after her alleged 2006 sexual encounter with Trump at the Lake Tahoe hotel suite.

We’re told Daniels is planning on having the dress forensically tested to search for any DNA that proves she isn’t lying about her tryst with Trump, including samples of skin, hair or … anything.

Like what? Are they talking about Big Mac crumbs? Orange make-up? TRUMPIAN JIZZ FLAKES FROM HELL?

We just have no idea!

According to The Blast, this is the dress:

After Michael Cohen admitted he facilitated/laundered a $130,000 payment to Stormy Daniels, for no reason in particular, and definitely having nothing to do with hushing her up about her affair with Donald Trump, who was about to be barely elected president, Daniels said she feels Cohen has broken his agreement, therefore she is ready to talk. And apparently she's got something to send to the forensics lab too!

But how will they get a DNA sample from Donald Trump, to match up with whatever spooge crispies they find on that dress right there? We dunno, maybe put a Big Mac at the top of a flight of really scary stairs and watch the president slobber in fear -- he's scared of stairs -- as he climbs and climbs and climbs in order to get his prize. Grab some DNA from the drool. Or the Big Mac wrapper.

Or just call Tiffany Trump and see if she'll let the nice doctor swab her cheeks and get a half match. She'd probably be willing.

Or ask Vladimir Putin. Pretty sure the Kremlin's got dipshit's DNA. Maybe probable Chinese spy/Putin-banger/Murdoch ex-wife Wendi Deng Murdoch has Putin's Obamaphone number, because of how they used to bone each other, allegedly.

Regardless, we are very excited about BLUE DRESS! Except for this time it is GOLD DRESS!

(Of course it's gold, how else you gonna get Little Trump to peek outside the barn door?)

We miss the old days, when we were just talking about Obama sperms in paintings. We were so innocent then, on Tuesday.

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[The Blast]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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