Carl Bernstein's A Woman in Charge: The Bitchy Life of Hillary Clinton and Her Way: Hillary Clinton is Very Mean and Also a Bitch, by Jeff Gerth and Don Van Netta Jr., are two long-awaited peeks into the secret life of Hillary Clinton, our next president. The Post obtained advance copies of both books, and today presents shocking stories from each of them. DID YOU KNOW:

* The Clintons had a SECRET PLAN to be presidents for 16 years!!

* Hillary hired a private investigator to undermine Gennifer Flowers until she was DESTROYED!!


* The health care initiative failed because Hillary is TOO MEAN!!

* Sometimes she likes to put on MEN'S CLOTHING and recite David Mamet monologues!!

* Unlike respectable, feminine women, she is a VERY GOOD DRIVER!!

* She still LOVES TO SHOP though!!

* Her favorite Beach Boy: MIKE LOVE!!

* Interviews with former colleagues suggest that Hillary is QUITE AMBITIOUS!!

* One time she TRAPPED Dennis Kucinich in a locker for two hours!!

* Chelsea Clinton is actually the product of a SECRET CLONING EXPERIMENT involving Hillary and Lenin!!

Books Paint Critical Portraits of Clinton [WP]

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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