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Well, now the world knows! Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman have solved the crime of figuring out who to pay and/or pick out of the phone book and/or completely invent out of whole cloth, in order to let all of US America know that Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating conspiracies between Donald Trump and Russia, is a really big sexual harasser and/or rapist and/or guy who probably stepped on a crack and broke his mother's back at least once or twice.

Of course, the alleged "accuser" didn't show up for their press conference, and Wohl and Burkman aren't sure exactly how her name is spelled, but they gave a name! Her first name is Caroline or Carolyne or Carolyn or Carol or Jan and her last name is they forget.

First though, before we get into any of that business, we need you to know that Jim Hoft, Stupidest Man On The Internet, at least appears to have a limit to how low he will sink, for this happened after the press conference Thursday:


On Thursday The Gateway Pundit suspended our relationship with Jacob. We need to collect more information on this explosive situation. We are not afraid to take chances as you well know but we want to also be careful and accurate.

FIRED! For either being too inaccurate for the Gateway Fucking Pundit (LOLOL) or for being so good at being full of shit it threatened to outshine the boss's lifetime achievements in that field. This, even though Jack Burkman said of Wohl during the presser that Wohl is a "child prodigy who has eclipsed Mozart." (To be fair, it's possible he was cut off mid-sentence and he wanted to end with "in the brain syphilis department," haha just kidding, we don't think Jacob Wohl has had sex.)

It's not that Hoft is suddenly learning Journalism, How Does It Work (though his lawyer may have told him a li'l something about Libel, How Does It Work). He still wants to get to the #truth, and he really really hopes it is true that Robert Mueller is a big ol' rapist. He closes his piece by posting a picture of Michael Avenatti, which proves that the fake news media treats liberals differently, because they are all nice to him and listen to his clients, whereas they don't listen to poor (allegedly) #NeverNude fuckheaded failed fraudster moron Jacob Wohl or known conman Jack Burkman. And that's just unfair, right? A couple conservative dudes made up a story about Robert Mueller and nobody listened to them the way they listened to Brett Kavanaugh's accusers!

Hoft is so close to figuring out the actual difference between the two, but he'll never get all the way there, because Jesus doesn't call him the Stupidest Man On The Internet for nothin'!

As for the identity of the woman, we should note that she hasn't actually come forward. Journalists have tried to track down information about her, and have gone back to Jacob Wohl for information on his alleged story, that she hired his intelligence company (which is also his mom's cell phone) many months ago to deal with an "estate matter," despite how his company was only formed three weeks ago. The Weekly Standard -- not a liberal rag! -- got an answer out of Wohl:

"She found me over the Internet," Wohl replied. "It was either Angie's List or Craigslist."

That is definitely a thing that happens, especially with people who are, as Wohl and Burkman have claimed, very prominent and well educated with MANY WEALTHS. They do estate planning on Craigslist.

There is stuff on the internet about the alleged accuser, if you want to find it. We are not particularly in the mood. There is also a picture floating around of the alleged accuser with Jacob Wohl, which looks like a selfie taken at the airport. We are guessing it was taken before she allegedly ran off in a panic and got on a random plane like "GIMME OUTTA HERE!" and missed the press conference. Who among us hasn't taken a #MAGAThug selfie with Jacob Wohl before running off in a panic and getting on the wrong plane at the airport?

Hey, maybe she'll come forward and maybe (nope) this is a real story. Will Sommer from the Daily Beast addressed some of the confusion the MAGAsphere is having over why nobody is buying this bullshit during the presser yesterday:

At one point, Will Sommer from The Daily Beast said, "No one is discounting [the woman's] account. We didn't know her name until 20 minutes ago. We're questioning both you two very un-credible people."

That's pretty much it!

If you want to dive even further into this story (it's not like we have an election in FOUR DAYS or anything) check out the Krassenstein brothers' blog, because GRIFTY THOUGH THEY MAY BE, they are all the fuck over this, and have been catching Burkman and Wohl in lies, making them trip over each other's dicks, and just generally fucking with them since before any of us knew this story was a story. And honestly, for stories like this, sometimes you need shitposters to go up against shitposters, and at the end of the day Natasha Bertrand (god bless her!) is not going to openly smack Wohl around the way the Krassensteins have been. As such, they are being treated with a certain degree of respect in this story, and that's kind of OK right now, even if it feels icky!

We will close this post with a sick burn on Wohl from all around amazing person (who writes fucking OFF THE CHAIN cookbooks) Chrissy Teigen. Teigen had asked if somebody could give her the CliffsNotes version of who the fuck Wohl was and what he did. He replied. And she replied back.

Dead. Jacob Wohl is dead now, and Chrissy Teigen did it.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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