Suck It, Libs! Jared Kushner Gives Himself A Swirly On Camera! Triggered Much?
Screenshot, Axios on HBO

Well, shit, no wonder they never let him go on camera! Jared Kushner is an arrogant idiot who makes constipation faces when he talks. Also, his voice is every obnoxious white dude in khakis who ever Well, actually-ed a woman and then filibustered with a No, let me finish like she was interrupting him by daring to respond.

Mad props to Axios's Jonathan Swan -- no really! -- for not letting that little pipsqueak get away with it. Let's hit the, uh, highlights.

Jared on Russia

Okay, let's start with an easy one. If contacted by a hostile foreign power and offered help, should an American political campaign (A) Accept the meeting saying, "I love it" or (B) Call the FBI?

Haha, that's a trick question! The answer is, quit your "Monday morning quarterbacking," loser! Jared's far too busy being an important businessman to possibly know who he's taking meetings with.

The Trump Tower meeting with a Russian lawyer offering dirt on Hillary Clinton in exchange for lifting sanctions on Russian oligarchs? Jared has never heard of it!

SWAN: On June the 8, 2016, you were sent an email with an offer of help for the Trump campaign from the Russian government.

KUSHNER: I'm sorry, which email are you talking about?

The email from Rob Goldstone.

Look, Jonathan ...

Asked why he didn't call the FBI when a hostile foreign power offered to help Donald Trump's presidential campaign, the clown prince responded:

Jonathan, we're in a place now where people are playing Monday morning quarterback and they're being so self-righteous. Let me put you in my shoes at that time. OK, I'm running three companies, I'm helping run the campaign. I get an email that says show up at 4 instead of 3 to a meeting that I had been told about earlier that I didn't know what the hell it was about.

But don't worry, you guys. If Russia tries to help with the 2020 campaign, Kush is a definite maybe on telling the FBI. Cut the kid a break, you know, "It's hard to do hypotheticals."

Jared on Race

How dare you suggest Donald Trump is a racist, Jonathan! Obviously, the real racists are the Democrats calling Trump a racist. Now aren't you ashamed!

SWAN: Have you ever seen him say or do anything that you would describe as racist or bigoted?

KUSHNER: So the answer is no. Absolutely not. You can't not be a racist for 69 years and then run for president and be a racist. What I'll say is that when a lot of the Democrats call the president a racist, I think they're doing a disservice to people who suffer because of real racism in this country.

UH HUH. Not for nothing, but the guy was sued by the Justice Department -- the NIXON Justice Department -- for refusing to rent to black people, said "laziness is a trait in blacks," and objected to having African Americans "counting my money." There's also that whole awkwardness about the Central Park Five. But, other than that, NO RACISM.

Can this interview possible get worse? IT CAN.

SWAN: Was birtherism racist?

KUSHNER: Um, look, I wasn't really involved in that.

SWAN: I know you weren't! Was it racist?

KUSHNER: Like I said, I wasn't involved in that.

SWAN: I know you weren't! Was it racist?

KUSHNER: Um, look, I know who the president is, and I have not seen anything in him that is racist. So, again, I was not involved in that.

SWAN: Did you wish he didn't do that?

KUSHNER: Like I said, I was not involved in that. That was a long time ago.

SWAN: The other issue that often gets brought up in this conversation is that he campaigned on banning Muslims. Would you describe that as religiously bigoted?

KUSHNER: Look, I think that the president did his campaign the way he did his campaign, and I think …

SWAN: He did! But do you wish he didn't? Do you wish he didn't make that speech?

KUSHNER: Uh, I think he's here today, and I think he's doing a lot of great things for the country, and that's what I'm proud of.

That's right, dude. Any PR professional would tell you, you have to lean in to the punch! Just break your opponent's knuckles by jamming your face right into them.

Jared on the Middle East

Even Secretary of State Mike Pompeo acknowledged that Kushner's "deal of the century" is probably DOA when he meets off-the-record with American Jewish leaders. But Kush is still soldiering on, pretending that Palestinians will be totally happy with a permanent occupation and no sovereignty if they just get a little cash.

Well, points for honesty! Jared admits that the Palestinians don't trust him, as he blames them for the shift of the US embassy to Jerusalem, cutting American aid to the Palestinians, and shuttering the Palestinian diplomatic facility in DC. But he's "not here to be trusted," by those loser "technocratic leaders," since he knows from his secret talks with "ordinary people" that they just want to be able to "pay their mortgages" and a hundred years of displacement and mutual hostility will just vanish like magic.

"There's a difference between the Palestinian leadership and the Palestinian people. Okay?" said Kushner. "They're not going to judge anything based on trusting me or trusting anyone else. They're going to judge it based on the facts, and then make a determination. Do they think this will allow them to have a pathway to a better life, or not?"

So, let's see if we've understood this amazing plan, shall we? Kushner will force Egypt to cede territory and Jordan to absorb many more Palestinians, the US will formally recognize the Israeli annexation of the Golan Heights from Syria, Israel will assume control of much of the West Bank and wall it off to future Palestinian residents, but the Palestinians will get a handful of neighborhoods in East Jerusalem for their "capital." What a deal!

(((We))) have been fighting for 4,000 years to get back there, but Kush knows from his extensive discussions with the Palestinian "man in the souk" that they will happily accept a little money and a non-enforceable right to live as minorities in a country which just enshrined their second class citizenship into law.


Anything else?

Oh, just that you can't blame Jared for helping Trump gut abortion rights, since he's just following orders. And he's a grandson of Holocaust refugees, but "we can't take all of them!" And that he absolutely never pressured his father-in-law to grant him a security clearance over the objections of career officials and the CIA.

But he's not here to be trusted, so, make of that one what you will.

[Axios / Slate / Axios]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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