Anderson Cooper in one of his CIA spy disguises.

Does everybody remember that guy "Joe Biggs" who is a "reporter" for Alex Jones's "InfoWars" conspiracy theory intertube site? He is the guy who makes all those stickin' it to the liberals t-shirts that make you cry! But look, Wonkers, he is more than an up-and-coming fashion designer. He also has a SCOOP! about how Anderson Cooper is a CIA agent who will use his dark powers to make Hillary Clinton win the next presidential debate, because Hillary Clinton needs "dark powers" to beat the valiant orange dipshit Donald Trump in a debate:

Sadly, it looks like the CIA will be running the second presidential debate. Why? Because CNN's own Anderson Cooper, who works for the Clinton News Network, will be moderating alongside Martha Raddatz of ABC. [...] And they're also going to be taking questions from Facebook. Facebook, who, lots of times, censors any kind of conservative trends that are happening there as well.

Blah blah, conservatives are being victimized by Facebook, wait, what is this about Anderson Cooper????

Anderson Cooper interned for two summers at the CIA. Now, we know the CIA started a program, a secret campaign back in ths 1950s called Operation Mockingbird.

Oh, that is 'sciting! And as we are watching the exclusive InfoWars report about Anderson Cooper being a secret gay CIA mockingbird, something shocking appears on the screen! WHAT IS THIS? IS IT "MUST CREDIT WONKET"?

Do you see it? Do you recognize the telltale "W-O-N" and sex kitten dominatrix symbol of Wonkette? That is because MUST CREDIT WONKET! We wrote all about Anderson Cooper's secret life as a spy in 2006! Oh well, guess the InfoWars poot-garglers are bad conspiracy theorists if they're only finding this TEN YEARS LATER.

Anderson Cooper

OK, let's find out more from "Joe Biggs," if that's even his real name. (It probably is, because he's too stupid to be recruited by the CIA, unlike Our Anderson.) Picking up right where we left off:

The organization recruited leading American journalists into a propaganda network to help present the CIA's views.

In the 1950s. But, but, but! According to esteemed internet website Wonkette, as recently as the early '70s, there were like 400 journalists working with the CIA. Now, according to the Illuminati-run Wikipedia, Our Anderson was borned June 3, 1967, which would make him either "not alive yet" when Operation Mockingbird was a big thing, or six or seven years old when Congress was telling the CIA to STOP IT SO MUCH YOU GUYS in the early '70s. Fortunately, we are not so silly as to believe "Wikipedia," and understand that the real truth is probably that Anderson Cooper is actually hundreds of years old and not even human.

Anderson Cooper

Now, does "Joe Biggs" have any more "proof" that "Anderson Cooper" is in the "CIA"? Nah, just that thing about how Coop did a stint at Langley when he was a little twinky boy. After that, Biggs makes a buncha dumbass rambling words about how Trump only lost the debate because of some sort of "strategy," then he gives Trump some debate advice, but he didn't MUST CREDIT WONKET anymore, so we got bored and said fuck it.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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