Sundays With The Christianists: Give Jesus-Comics This Halloween To Be The Worst House On The Block

Have YOU heard the good news of Vegan Baby Buttholes? Yodel in joy!

Jack Chick, the great cartoonist who brought us lightbulb-headed God and the kids who became actual witches by playing Dungeons and Dragons, may be dead, but that doesn't mean his publishing empire has stopped churning out little 5-inch pamphlets full of hellfire and sanctimony. With Halloween coming up, you know that that means! For a certain part of the Jesus-obsessed community -- the people who leave waitstaff Bible tracts disguised as 20-dollar bills instead of money because the best "tip" of all is You've Got To Be Saved! -- National Candy Extortion Day is just one more chance to share the good news that you don't have to go to Hell.

So of course Chick Publications has the answer for folks who worry Halloween may be a Satanic festival, but figure they may as well use The Enemy's holiday against him: A whole page of their website with suggestions for saving souls on Halloween! And yes, our featured pic is real (though slightly modified): In ChickWorld, the problem really is that people have simply never heard of Jesus, and once they do, in the form of a dopey comic book, they will change their lives completely. The page explains:
This Halloween, many unsaved children will come to your door seeking a treat. Many have no understanding of who Jesus is or the price He paid for them on the cross. As Christians, we do know!
So, let's not be silent but honor our Lord and use this once-a-year opportunity to reach kids and their parents with the gospel. It's so easy!
You'll love the reactions on the kids' faces when they see you're giving out candy AND CARTOONS! Simply drop a tract or two and some candy into their bags and you'll be giving the gospel to kids and their families without leaving home.

Credit where it's due: At least Chick Publications is smart enough to mention, throughout the page, that tracts are a supplement to, not a substitute for, candy. Crom only knows how many eggings and TP-ings that suggestion may have prevented. The nice folks at Chick even have some presentation suggestions to make the message go down a little easier:

Serving suggestion. Flakes enlarged to show texture.

We clicked on the linky to see the other five Halloween Witnessing ideas, but they were kind of boring, like this festive suggestion:

Nothing draws trick-or-treaters like a group of adults sitting around a fire, handing out Jebus tickets. Notice that this one forgets the candy. Happily, this suggestion does at least offer kids a place to toss their unwanted preachy comics.

The remaining suggestions are just sort of pathetic: Go around distributing comics to your neighbors ("tract or treat!") or set up a table full of tracts at "your church's harvest festival" -- because your church certainly wouldn't have a Halloween party, and you do have to celebrate the bountiful harvest that sprang from your annual observance of The Lottery in June ("corn be heavy soon!").

Still, there's one suggestion that could be fun for any family:

Dress as a Bible character: "This year I dressed up as Queen Esther. While I placed a tract in their bag I said, 'I am Queen Esther. I have a book in the Bible. Read it when you get home if you want to know my story.'" G.T., Email

That one's not a total loss: if you had a team and put some effort into decorating, you could be Elisha and the She-Bears of Vengeance:

just imagine the fun of a bunch of tykes coming upon the scattered bones of those insolent youths who mocked a prophet! They sure won't be yelling "Go on up, you baldhead!" at YOU!

And golly, just LOOK at these Facebook testimonials from real people who aren't making them up at all:

Yep, those kids ignored the candy, you bet. But at least these folks live in a neighborhood where people teach their kids not to litter.

The page has a whole slew of suggested tracts to order for your Halloween Salvation Extravaganza, including some cheery little comics that really are written for children, like "The Little Ghost," in which an unnamed little girl sets two friends straight about spiritual matters:

See how she channels Judge Roy Moore there? It's in the Gospel! (No it isn't)

There's also the story of "The Little Princess," a dying girl who wants to go trick-or-treating one last time, and wouldn't you know it, the last house she has the strength to get to is handing out big helpings of Jesus, so she gets saved before she dies. But what about her parents? Will no one think of the parents?

Thank goodness, Heidi's parents, who have reached adulthood in America without ever hearing of this Jesus guy, get set straight, and so the comic has a happy ending: Their daughter dies and goes BOING! right into the arms of an angel:

There are a whole bunch of others, like "Happy Halloween," in which a trio of badly-drawn kids are so scared by a haunted house that they run outside -- right into traffic! Timmy, who didn't take Sunday school seriously, is killed by a car, then goes to Hell, but there's a happy ending: the Sunday school teacher tells Timmy's friend Bobby about Jesus, and Bobby gets saved!

Since you can't copyright a title, Robert Kirkman can't sue over "The Walking Dead," in which a guy who has nightmares about zombies realizes that without Jesus, we're ALL The Walking Dead. And apparently our heart is Negan:

There's also "Spooky," where the big tough guy who makes the scariest haunted house every year realizes, after a little neighbor boy dares him to go to church with him, that Hell is the scariest place of all, so he begs Jesus not to throw him into the fiery pit:

Theologically, we're not sure that's the best argument for Christianity; we'd always learned in Catechism that God wants you because you love Him, not because you're just afraid of eternal punishment, but then we were raised Catholic, and we ate the DEATH COOKIE, so don't listen to us.

Finally, there's this 100% historically accurate history of Halloween, from "BOO!":

And that's the REAL meaning of Halloween, Charlie Brown! That comic, for little kids, also features a fun sacrifice of a cute kittycat by the local cult:

Get out your crayons! Also, check out some insane creationist Halloween fodder, as reviewed by Wonkette's Own Robyn Pennacchia at another site that isn't us.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. CLICK HERE to give us money, and we'll have you saying "Oh, Jesus" all year.

[Chick Publications]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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