Super Smart Proud Boys Accidentally Reveal Secret Identities To Literally Everyone.
The Proud Boys are a lot of things. They are self-described "Western Chauvinists." They are a violent Republican gang that goes around beating people up all the time like they're auditioning for American History X 2. They are people with unfortunate facial hair and matching outfits. They are, I'm pretty sure, dudes who used to get away with the whole "I'm an asshole, but it's cool because that's just my thing" thing and freaked out when people got tired of their bullshit and didn't want to hang out with them anymore, who now can only hang out with each other and get increasingly wacky. They are people who really wanted "ironic racism" to be a thing.
They are not, however, particularly smart.
The Proud Boys have been in turmoil lately. There's been the arrest of several members who went all "Singin' In The Rain" on some protestors after founder Gavin McInnes's gleeful reenactment of the assassination of a Japanese socialist, several other incidents of a violent nature, and an official designation as an extremist group by the FBI.
Over the holiday weekend, McInnes stepped down as leader of the Proud Boys, while also claiming that he was not the leader of the Proud Boys and that he wasn't "stepping down" and was merely "disassociating" himself from them, but also that he was only stepping down/disassociating because he thought it would lead to shorter sentences for the Proud Boys going to trial for beating people up.
Via The Guardian:
"As of today … I am officially disassociating myself from the Proud Boys," he began.
Referencing the New York group as the "NYC Nine", McInnes said: "I am told by my legal team and law enforcement that this gesture could help alleviate their sentencing."
He added: "Fine, at the very least this will show jurors they are not dealing with a gang and there is no head of operations."
It probably will not show jurors that. That is stupid. People go to jail for crimes whether or not they have a "leader." People in matching outfits kicking the shit out of someone on a sidewalk looks like a gang whether there are "leaders" or not.
Following McInnes's "disassociation," the remaining Proud Boys determined that they still needed some kind of leadership for their gang, and created new bylaws naming the new "Elders" who would be in charge of ... whatever. They then sent these new bylaws to the media, with the names of the Elders blacked out. Sort of! As it turns out, they did a very bad job of redacting and if one were to highlight the redacted parts with a cursor, the names showed up.
So here they are!
The bylaws were sent out by Jason Van Dyke, the Proud Boys' official lawyer, who served as "chairman" of the Proud Boys while they were working out the new rules. Van Dyke has been known to say incredibly racist things, threaten violence, and once said he was very close to publicly admitting he is a full-blown fascist. What a gem!
The bylaws also included some fascinating new rules.
Prohibited Items. No member of the Fraternity shall wear flip flops, fedoras, or cargo shorts at any meeting or function of the Fraternity.
That's gotta be awkward for these guys. Then again, so is everything else, probably.
U-U-UHURU (Proud Boys) youtu.be
Also they can only masturbate once a month -- this was already one of their rules, but it deserves repeating on account of how it is dumb.
No Wanks. No heterosexual brother of the Fraternity shall masturbate more than one time in any calendar month the act occurs during a consensual sexual contact with a female who is not a prostitute. All members shall abstain from pornography.
How do they work that out though? Like, do they mark it on a calendar? Do they have a regularly scheduled "wank day" once a month? Do they try and make it real special, with scented candles and whatnot? And what is it that they think this accomplishes?
Despite McInnes's departure from the group, they give him an official feast day:
Founder and Founder's Day. Gavin McInnes shall be recognized as the founder of our Fraternity. Each chapter shall observe Founder's Day on the seventeenth (17th) day of July and shall hold a Founder's Day celebration on or around that day in honor of our Founder, the Fraternity, and its ideals.
That's normal and not at all extremely creepy-sounding!
Also, no meth.
No member shall consume opiates, opioids, or crystalized methamphetamine. It is an exception to this bylaw if the brother is using the substance pursuant to a lawful prescription.
Having seen many pictures and videos of various Proud Boys, and also many episodes of A&E's Intervention, I suspect this may be a tough one.
Naturally, "cucking" is barred.
No member shall engage in sexual conduct with, or attempt to engage in sexual conduct, with the spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend of any other member.
As is associating with white supremacist groups, though let's be real -- that's just there so that they can point to it and go "Look! We're not white supremacists! There's a bylaw!"
A person that believes in the inherent supremacy of any one race over another, or who is a member of any organization promoting the supremacy of any one race over another, may not become or remain a member of this Fraternity. This includes, but is not limited to, any person who currently identifies as white nationalist, white supremacist, or alt-right (or any person who is a member of an organization identifying as such). Similarly, members of terrorist organizations or cells, including but not limited to Antifa, are prohibited from membership in the fraternity.
This addendum was not well-received by all. In response, the astonishingly twerpy leader of the now-defunct Proud Boys paramilitary wing, Augustus Invictus, announced that he was in fact the new leader of the Proud Boys in a video posted to YouTube this weekend. The video featured his toddler son, whom he claimed is now the Proud Boys Chief of Staff. Maybe someone should call social services?
My First Declarations as New Head of the Proud Boys youtu.be
Invictus also introduced a new rule about not putting stuff in one's butt.
Will Sommer of The Daily Beast reports:
Augustus Invictus, an alt-right figure and self-described pagan who spoke at the 2017 white supremacist rally in Charlottesville, claimed in a video that he was the new top Proud Boy. Invictus was a member of the Proud Boys through its now mostly defunct militant wing, the Fraternal Order of Alt Knights.
Invictus, who said in the video that his toddler son was now the Proud Boys' chief of staff and slammed "a few losers who think they own the Proud Boys," said he would lift the Proud Boys' rules against associating with explicitly racist figures like white nationalist leader Richard Spencer.
"The days of Proud Boy cuckery are over," Invictus said.
Invictus didn't respond to a request for comment. Van Dyke insists that Invictus is no longer a Proud Boy, if he ever was.
Now, surely, you are wondering if the Proud Boys will be able to survive all of this turmoil. I am betting they will. For one reason and one reason only -- they have to stick together, because they're sure as hell not going to find anyone else who can stand them.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse