Good morning Wonkets, we begin this new hellacious week with news that is very surprising and will make you want to go back to bed until Friday. You ready?

It would appear the new weeklong investigation into Brett Kavanaugh's alleged sex crimes is a bunch of ass-covering horseshit, due to the meddling of Donald Trump, White House counsel Don McGahn, and the GOP toadies in Congress. Thanks, Jeff Flake! You have opened the door for ... exactly what we would expect from the GOP!

Donald Trump tweeted Saturday night that the fake news is fake, and that he has no desire to limit the FBI in any way in doing a thorough investigation of the numerous sexual assault claims against Kavanaugh. Of course, Trump is a Kavanaugh-grade liar, so we know that's bullshit. NBC News reports on exactly what kinds of limits have been put on the investigation:

• No interviewing Julie Swetnick, who claims Kavanaugh and his friend Mark Judge facilitated drunken situations at house parties where guys would take turns sexually assaulting incapacitated girls. Swetnick, in her sworn statement, says she has corroborating witnesses.
• No interviewing all the hundreds of thousands of former Kavanaugh classmates who say he's a fucking liar who lies when he says he never drank too many BEERS, even though BEERS is his stated favorite, and also the favorite of both girls and boys, SHUT UP, AMY KLOBUCHAR, DID YOU DRINK TOO MANY BEERS EVER?
• No interviewing Kavanaugh's high school classmates to see A) what else they know, and B) how much he lied about what "boofing" is during Thursday's hearing. (Perhaps this is not necessary, if the FBI is capable of looking shit up in the Urban Dictionary.)
• They can interview Mark Judge, but they can't ask the Safeway about the time Mark Judge worked there, which is weird since that's precisely what Christine Blasey Ford said she'd like to know, to help her pinpoint the date of the assault more precisely.

Officially, the FBI will be investigating the allegations from Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and those from Debbie Ramirez, Kavanaugh's Yale classmate who says he drunkenly shoved his dick in her face in order to humiliate her. Ramirez has reportedly already spoken to the FBI.

In addition to Ramirez, the FBI is reportedly allowed to interview PJ Smyth, whom Christine Blasey Ford named as having been at the party where the assault happened, and also her friend Leland Keyser, who, despite what Kavanaugh and other Republicans have been saying, has said that though she doesn't remember the specific night in question (people don't tend to have the best memories of nights they didn't get sexually assaulted, we are just saying), she believes her friend Dr. Blasey.

But what about the people Brett Kavanaugh listed on his calendar for July 1, the night the assault very well may have taken place? Where is Squi? Where is Bernie? Tim? Tom? Tobin? Tackalack? We guess the FBI isn't allowed to talk to them. (They really need to talk to Squi, by the way. That's the guy Christine Blasey Ford says introduced her to this social circle, and who Ed Whelan tried to smear as THE REAL GRASSY KNOLL SECOND SHOOTER RAPIST. Makes you wonder if the effort to libel that guy was about something more than misdirection from the Kavanaugh camp. Sounds like something the FBI should investigate, maybe!)

Senator Dianne Feinstein has sent a letter to Don McGahn and FBI Director Chris Wray to get some clarification on what kind of headlock the White House put the FBI in with its instructions.

It's telling that the White House doesn't want Swetnick's claims investigated, slapping her away because they don't like her "porn lawyer" Michael Avenatti, and saying her claims are completely uncorroborated. Of course, one witness has already come forward saying she wants to tell the FBI what Mark Judge told her back when they dated in college, which sounds quite a lot like what Swetnick is alleging, but she's having a hard time getting them to listen:

An attorney for one potential witness, Elizabeth Rasor, said her client has not been contacted by the FBI despite repeated offers to cooperate. Roberta Kaplan said her client, who was in a relationship with Judge for about three years, has notified the Judiciary Committee several times about her offer of assistance.

Rasor last week publicly challenged Judge's statement that he could not recall roughhousing taking place with women while at Georgetown Prep in Montgomery County, Md. In an interview with the New Yorker, Rasor said she felt morally obligated to reveal that Judge had told her "a very different story," recounting an incident that involved multiple boys having sex with a drunk woman.

Another witness from Yale, Charles "Chad" Ludington, is also having trouble getting the FBI's attention:

Charles Ludington, a former varsity basketball player and friend of Kavanaugh's at Yale, told The Washington Post on Sunday that he plans to deliver a statement to the FBI field office in Raleigh on Monday detailing violent drunken behavior by Kavanaugh. [...]

Ludington says in one instance, Kavanaugh initiated a fight that led to the arrest of a mutual friend: "When Brett got drunk, he was often belligerent and aggressive. On one of the last occasions I purposely socialized with Brett, I witnessed him respond to a semi-hostile remark, not by defusing the situation, but by throwing his beer in the man's face and starting a fight that ended with one of our mutual friends in jail."

Golly gee, the more we learn about Brett Kavanaugh, the nicer he seems. (This Twitter thread has a good roundup of all the former classmates of Kavanaugh's who say he lies like a drunk man who lies when he says he's never blacked out from drinking. This is extremely relevant, because it suggests the possibility that Kavanaugh might have committed these offenses and literally not remember them, because he was always such a violent blackout drunk.)

In addition, Jane Mayer and Ronan Farrow report in The New Yorker of another corroborating witness for Ramirez, who is "one-hundred-percent certain" he heard the story of what Kavanaugh did to her, contemporaneously, but the FBI keeps saying "Already bought Girl Scout cookies!" every time he tries to call.

That person has thoughts about what kind of "investigation" this really is:

"I thought it was going to be an investigation," the Yale classmate said, "but instead it seems it's just an alibi for Republicans to vote for Kavanaugh." He said that he had been in touch with other classmates who also wanted to provide information corroborating Ramirez's account, but that they had not done so.

Everybody wants to talk to the FBI about what a fucking shithead Brett Kavanaugh is! It is the hottest thing right now! But unfortunately, as former Assistant Director for Counterintelligence Frank Figliuzzi reported on MSNBC Monday morning, the FBI is being "handcuffed" right now, according to his sources.

Sunday on "60 Minutes," Senator Jeff Flake said if it turns out dude lied to Congress, then, "Oh yes," his nomination is over. Well, SPOILER JEFF FLAKE, but it seems pretty clear he did, but unfortunately we guess the FBI's not allowed to look for evidence of that. But, because we are a very helpful Wonkette, we will note that everything Kavanaugh said about his yearbook is a damned lie, and a stupid one at that. "Boofing" is not pooting and Devil's Triangle is not a drinking game and claiming you are a "Renate alumnius" does not fucking mean you and 13 other guys just really admired this one girl Renate. (For an extensive look at all the lies Kavanaugh told on Thursday, that we know of, this link is a pretty good place to start.)

Oh yeah, and he's probably a serial sexual assaulter, based on the available evidence, which would mean he lied to Congress about that too. Would be nice if the FBI was allowed to investigate, since that's kind of the CENTRAL FUCKING QUESTION AT HAND.

[NBC News / Washington Post / New Yorker]

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