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You vanquished her, assholes, you happy now?


Brace yourself, because this post contains the SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY. You ready? Well, a judge ordered unsealed the warrant FBI Director James Comey obtained for the purpose of digging through Anthony Weiner's boner laptop a week and a half before the election, so the FBI could investigate whether it contained the #smokinggun Hillary Clinton emails that would prove, once and for all that ... um, we still don't quite know what the rogue Hillary-hating sleeper cell in the FBI thought it was going to prove. SOMETHING SINISTER. Anyway, that warrant was a bunch of crap, according to Randy Schoenberg, the lawyer who filed the FOIA request to have it unsealed:

Under the Fourth Amendment, search and seizure can only be granted when proof of probable cause of criminal findings has been documented.

The letter confirms news reports in late October that the FBI had detected “non-content header information” suggesting correspondence with accounts involved in its already-completed investigation of Clinton's private email server. The FBI request concludes there is “probable cause to believe” that the laptop contained “evidence, contraband, fruits and/or items illegally possessed,” without providing specifics.

"I see nothing at all in the search warrant application that would give rise to probable cause, nothing that would make anyone suspect that there was anything on the laptop beyond what the FBI had already searched and determined not to be evidence of a crime, nothing to suggest that there would be anything other than routine correspondence between" Clinton and Abedin, Schoenberg said in an email to USA TODAY. It remains unknown "why they thought they might find evidence of a crime, why they felt it necessary to inform Congress, and why they even sought this search warrant," he said. "I am appalled."

Schoenberg, a really famous lawyer who was played by sexxx god Ryan Reynolds in the movie film Woman In Gold, echoed those sentiments in a post on his Facebook page.

As USA Today (which did a REALLY GOOD JOB presenting the facts of the election in its article on this!) reports, Clinton campaign spokesman Brian Fallon basically had the same reaction to the warrant, calling it "as utterly unjustified as we suspected at the time." Haha, we bet FBI Director James Comey thinks it was totally justified, because have you noticed that the president-elect's name is not Hillary Clinton? A patriot, Comey is not. Shall we look at the warrant?

HM! We are not a lawyer, but we tend to agree that there doesn't seem to be much "there" there. Indeed, if you read the entire warrant (some of which is redacted), the whole justification seems to be that the FBI had found a few email chains in its original investigation that contained confidential or classified information, but (IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER!) had found absolutely nothing that any "reasonable prosecutor" would go after. Those were James Comey's words! So they saw some emails on this laptop that said "Hillary," therefore GUILTY.

More important things to remember:

  • The thing about how the FBI actually found these emails WEEKS before, and didn't do jack-diddly about them until 11 days before the election.
  • The way Huma Abedin has been like, "Yeah, the FBI never even made an attempt to show ME the warrant, nor did they contact me during that whole month after they found these allegedly important emails."
  • And finally the thing abut how when Comey fired off his letter to Congress, he didn't even have his warrant yet -- that came two days later -- and it kinda seemed like, "Oh yeah, guess we'll actually have to go through with this, instead of just laying a turd on Hillary's campaign the last week of the election like we planned to do."

Those are important things we should all remember, about the historical event where the FBI, led by a Trump supporter, stole the election for Donald Trump. (ALLEGEDLY WE GUESS.)

Oh well, we're sure Comey's FBI sincerely believed this last minute email "scandal" was very important, in the depths of their hearts, and we're also super certain there was a good reason they all neglected to lift a goddamn finger to investigate the ties between Russia and the Trump campaign, you know, the stuff we knew way before the election, but nobody wanted to pay attention to because it wasn't as exciting as a 69-year-old woman's private email server.

You bet.

[USA Today / FBI warrant]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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