Surprise! Kim Jong-un's Mistress Was Not Executed By Wild Unicorns With A Nuclear Bomb, Or Whatever
Now for a sexxxy update on famed North Korean sex god Kim Jong-un and his sexy romps with the sexiest hotties his country has to offer. Last summerreports surfaced that Kim had had his former mistress, pop singer Hyon Song-wol, executed along with 12 members of her band. (Twelve? Were they the North Korean version of the Polyphonic Spree?) Details were sketchy, but the band was reportedly machine-gunned to death for some combination of distributing pornographic videos of themselves, possessing Bibles, or just because Kim’s wife was jealous of his ex-girlfriend. That’s quite the trifecta – usually you have to go to Arkansas or South Carolina for a murder story with all three of those elements.
But now comes word that it may have all been a hoax.
Last weekend, however, Kim Jong Un’s now-executed porn star former lover rose from the dead to give a speech – in uniform, sans leotard — at a national artists’ meeting. Though, as in all matters North Korea, who can tell for sure? It’s unclear from the video whether this is new footage, or whether it is also a hoax.
Dammit, Washington Post! Now we don’t know what to believe. Did Kim Jong-un’s wife, the fetching Ri Sol-ju, really Lady Macbeth her hubby into executing his ex or not? Next you’ll tell us the handsomely boyish dictator didn't really feed his uncle to wild dogs or execute his security minister with a flamethrower.
Questions do remain, however. For starters, why is Hyon Song-wol wearing an army uniform in the new video? Did she enlist, or is this some sort of mid-career Madonna sort of thing? And if she wasn’t executed, where has she been for the last nine months? Touring? Working on a new album? Holed up in Laurel Canyon with a guitar and a few ounces of weed and remembering what made her love music in the first place?
Tune in tomorrow for more of The Glorious Young Who Hold the Future of the Great Democratic People’s Republic of Korea in Their Strong Godlike Fists and the Restless.