Susan Collins Very Concerned Sara Gideon Won't Meet Her Behind The Gym After Fifth Period

2020 Congressional Elections

Tuesday, former Maine House Speaker Sara Gideon won the Democratic primary for senator. This was not the ideal outcome for incumbent Susan Collins, who might've preferred that Gideon was instead exposed to the world as an alien space lizard. The senator's internal polls showed her within striking distance of most alien space lizards.

Collins sent a gracious letter Wednesday congratulating Gideon on her victory. She even addressed her as the “Honorable Sara Gideon," which is very New England classy, but the shit got strange by the third sentence. Gideon had requested five in-person debates with Collins. However, Collins thinks five measly debates are for punks.

COLLINS: While I share the sentiment outlined in your press release that Mainers deserve the opportunity to compare us directly before they decide how they'll vote, I believe five debates is far too limited a schedule for such an important race.

Back in 2014, when Collins was working her three-card “moderate" con, her Democratic challenger, Shenna Bellows, asked for 10 whole debates, but Collins was too busy and important. Her schedule is much freer now during an out-of-control pandemic, but Collins doesn't want to go double or nothing on Gideon's five debates. She wants 16. That's right! She tripled Gideon's five and added an extra one because she's so desperate it's delicious.


COLLINS: I propose that we have 16 live, televised, in-person debates, one in each of Maine's counties. Let's have the first one tonight.

Collins wanted to throw down with Gideon TODAY! She can't wait to rumble in the jungle that Maine doesn't have. Suzy Creamcheese is impatient, but she can't just text Gideon “U up?" (for a debate). Maine entered Phase Three of its reopening on July 1. Water parks, overnight summer camps, and massage facilities are now open. Gideon could've had plans at one or all three of those Wednesday night.

Sixteen debates seems like overkill. The election's in less than four months. That's a debate every week. Gideon wants to unseat Collins not star in a sitcom with her. Collins is acting like Maine is California or Texas. Maine has a lot of land, which Republicans would prefer voted more than actual people, but only five of Maine's counties has a population greater than 100,000. Piscataquis is Maine's least-populous county, and 17,000 people live in an area the size of Connecticut.

It's traditional for challengers to ask for lots of debates because they need the exposure. Everyone already knows Collins's trifling ass. Debates won't help her "Jedi mind trick" Maine voters into forgetting she voted to confirm Brett Kavanaugh and acquit Donald Trump. That's a lot of awful for a single Senate term.

Maine has voted for the Democratic presidential nominee in every election since 1992. Trump held Hillary Clinton below 50 percent and even won Maine's first congressional district (it's complicated how Maine's electoral votes are divvied up). Joe Biden is currently up double digits in Maine, which is similar to how his former boss performed. Roughly 47 percent of Maine voters are Democrats, who aren't falling for Collins's tap-dancing moderate act. They know she stands between us and the Senate majority. Independents account for 17 percent of Maine voters, and Collins has a 50 percent disapproval with them in a recent poll. (More bad news for Collins and Trump is that Maine will have ranked-choice voting in November, after Republican efforts to stop it failed.)

The remaining Republicans aren't enough to re-elect Collins, and even after selling her soul to Trump and Mitch McConnell, some Republican voters are having second thoughts.

Registered Republican Linda Aaskov, from Sanford, said in a letter to the Portland Press Herald in May that she's switched from Collins to Gideon.

I've voted for Susan Collins over the years, I have appreciated what she has done for Maine with important contracts for Maine companies, but she supported Brett Kavanaugh for Supreme Court justice, so now we have another one of the "good old boys" sitting in one of the highest positions in the land.

So, I'm giving Sara Gideon my vote!

Sorry, senator, but Brett Kavanaugh might have a job for life, but you don't.

Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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