Susan Collins 'Very Concerned’ Maine Voters Will Notice Her Spine’s On The Back Of A Milk Carton

2020 Congressional Elections

Picture an undecided voter in the 2020 presidential election. You might imagine someone completely oblivious to Donald Trump's corruption, malicious incompetence, and outright bigotry. This undecided voter is probably a stoner who sits on the couch all day staring at a table fan or — shocker! – an actual United States senator.

Friday, Maine's future former Senator Susan Collins had her first debate with Susan Gideon, who whooped her like when Bluto put Popeye's feet in cement and used his face as a speed bag. Unfortunately for Collins, no spinach was forthcoming.

Gideon asked Collins several times if she planned to vote for President Pandemic. The only good response is “hell to the no" and the only honest response is “Damn right, I'm ordering the code orange." Collins instead replied like she was a common Salt-N-Pepa: “If I want to put a fascist back in the White House ... none of your business!"


GIDEON: I want to ask Senator Collins who she thinks should be leading this country. She has neglected to answer that question, and I'm going to give her the opportunity tonight. I think Joe Biden should be our leader to help us through with public health and rebuilding an economy.

COWARD: Let me say this: I don't think the people of Maine need my advice on whom to support for president. Last week, I was on a bus tour throughout the state of Maine. Not a single person asked me who should be our next president.

Someone's asking you now, Suzy Creamcheese. Gideon is a resident of Maine and a voter. Besides, Collins wasn’t shy in 2016 about telling us she wasn’t supporting Trump. She wrote an op-ed for the Washington Post documenting all the reasons Trump sucked. This was in August when Clinton was up by almost double digits in some polls. Collins was trying to position herself for 2020 as a good moderate. That was a banana we used to let Collins slide all up in our tailpipes.

COLLINS: Donald Trump does not reflect historical Republican values nor the inclusive approach to governing that is critical to healing the divisions in our country.

That is still true, even if you want to pretend that Republicans were ever historically worth a damn.

COLLINS: With the passage of time, I have become increasingly dismayed by his constant stream of cruel comments and his inability to admit error or apologize. But it was his attacks directed at people who could not respond on an equal footing — either because they do not share his power or stature or because professional responsibility precluded them from engaging at such a level — that revealed Mr. Trump as unworthy of being our president.

Yeah, she could literally run this entire op-ed again. Nothing's changed, except for the shameful ways Collins enabled Trump’s reign of terror.

Collins desperately wants to pretend this is the 1990s and she’s an independent voice too busy working on behalf of Maine’s lobster population to concern herself with national partisan politics. That’s all nonsense. As Gideon pointed out, Collins has consistently voted in line with Trump and the GOP’s grotesque agenda. Biden is all but certain to carry Maine, and Collins can’t win unless some of his voters split the ticket and support her trifling ass. That’s how she won in 2014, just two years after Barack Obama beat Mitt Romney in the state by 15 points.

But does it even matter who Collins voters for in November? Yes, it does. Hillary Clinton barely won Maine and Trump even carried the state's second congressional district. A lot of Susan Collins-es voted for Trump to the surprise of Democrats who thought Trump’s grossness might actually matter more than taking health care away from poor people.

The story of 2018 and ideally 2020 is that the Susan Collins demo has rejected Trump and the GOP. They’re riding with Biden, but Collins is so far wedged under Mitch McConnell's thumb she can't publicly declare herself as one of many center-right white women who've realized that Trump is unfit for his office. Instead, the same woman who hoped that Trump might learn something from his impeachment has not learned anything herself from the past four (thousand) years of his presidency.

It’s time for her to go.

Donate to Sara Gideon here.

[Associated Press / Washington Post]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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