Sweet Baby Jesus, Donald Trump Is Spooked!
Dictator-In-chief about to have a tantrum all over this republic.
It's Friday morning, so here's some news to horrify you and piss you off! Last night, the Washington Postdropped a huge story about how Donald Trump and his legal team are looking for ways to undermine/weaken/shit all over special counsel Robert Mueller. Why? Probably to lay the groundwork for trying to Saturday Night Massacre him. Trump telegraphed in his bonkers New York Times interview that he thinks it's TOO FAR BRO for Mueller to be looking into his finances and business dealings. Of course, Mueller is all over investigating Trump's Russian money, because this investigation has always been about the money.
Also too, Trump is reportedly trying to figure out how many presidential powers he has to pardon all the criminals he surrounds himself with, including himself. Oh yeah, baby, he is SPOOKED. The problem, of course, is what Trump, a known pussy, decides to do with all his crybaby man fear.
Over to WaPo:
Some of President Trump’s lawyers are exploring ways to limit or undercut special counsel Robert S. Mueller III’s Russia investigation, building a case against what they allege are his conflicts of interest and discussing the president’s authority to grant pardons, according to people familiar with the effort.
Trump has asked his advisers about his power to pardon aides, family members and even himself in connection with the probe, according to one of those people. A second person said Trump’s lawyers have been discussing the president’s pardoning powers among themselves.
One adviser said the president has simply expressed a curiosity in understanding the reach of his pardoning authority, as well as the limits of Mueller’s investigation.
“This is not in the context of, ‘I can’t wait to pardon myself,’ ” a close adviser said.
Uh huh, we bet. And what else is Trump pooping his diapers in fear about?
His primary frustration centers on why allegations that his campaign coordinated with Russia should spread into scrutinizing many years of Trump dealmaking. He has told aides he was especially disturbed after learning Mueller would be able to access several years of his tax returns.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. What did we say about how Trump wanting Mueller to stay away from his finances is tantamount to him drawing a map for Mueller to where the bodies are buried? THAT'S WHAT WE SAID.
On the Undermining Mueller front, the WaPo reports that Trump's motley crew of unqualified dickbag lawyers are looking at Mueller's "conflicts of interest," something Trump also alluded to in his NYT interview. (For the record, WaPo has updated its story with a quote from Trump lawyer John Dowd, who says this story is FAKE NEWS.)
What conflicts of interest? Bullshit ones. Like did you know a few of Mueller's lawyers donated to Hillary Clinton and Barry Bamz Obama? Donating to Democrats is CLEARLY illegal, according to Trump Law. (Newt Gingrich has been bitching about this for over a month of Sundays at this point.) Also did you know Mueller used to be a member of the Trump National Golf Club in Virginia, but when he quit the club, they had a kerfuffle about fees? Isn't is OBVIOUS that Mueller is going to unfairly put Trump and his entire family in Treason Jail because he still insists he doesn't owe that extra $500 for that one time his whole family got drunk and eated all the hors d'oeuvres in the club, which meant Trump didn't get none?
Another "conflict of interest" Trump likes to talk about is that Mueller actually interviewed for the FBI job the day before Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein appointed him. So ... his "conflicts of interest" weren't a problem then, but they are now? Right OK sure!
Also, as per the WaPo, Trump wingnut lawyer Jay Sekulow (the one who stepped on his dick and ate it on the Sunday shows this past weekend) says they're trying to make sure Mueller stays "within the boundaries of his assignment" in this investigation, and another adviser says Trump's tax returns have nothing to do with that. (According to Trump, who won't release his tax returns.) In the minds of Trump and his idiot lawyers, this means he can investigate ONLY Russia stuff and NOT Trump's finances (not that the two aren't inextricably linked). But wait a minute, what IS Mueller's mandate? Let's review for the rent-a-lawyer!
Under the order signed ... by Rosenstein, Mueller is tasked with investigating “any links and/or coordination between the Russian government and individuals associated with the campaign of President Donald Trump’’ as well as “any matters that arose or may arise directly from the investigation’’ and any other matters that fall under the scope of the Justice Department regulation covering special counsel appointments.
Oh golly, that's broad. Maybe Trump's lawyers should ask Ken Starr to help them interpret that.
So why are they doing this? Well for one thing, NBC News is reporting that officials say Mueller is "finding the strike zone" in his investigation, which means he's closing in. So it's unsurprising that they'd be trying to undermine the fuck out of Mueller right now.
But like we said above, they're probably trying to lay the groundwork for Trump to try to Saturday Night Massacre Robert Mueller. When the Washington Post broke its story Thursday night, Rachel Maddow had just finished a long "A" Block about Trump very publicly doing a diarrhea waterfall all over Attorney General Jeff Sessions in his New York Times interview. Maddow posited that the method to Trump's madness is likely that the only way for Trump to really get Mueller fired would be to get rid of Jeff Sessions, who is recused from all matters pertaining to the Russia investigation, which means he's recused from even looking at Robert Mueller in public, much less inviting the special counsel to one of his traditional Alabammy armpit fartin' tournaments/fishin' expeditions.
Here's Maddow's segment:
Sessions surprised everyone by doing a presser the morning after Trump backed a bus over his hick body and saying he's really havin' a good ol' time bein' Sheriff Lawyer Of 'Murica, and he'll stay as long as it's "appropriate." Trump was obviously hoping he would resign and get out of the way. For once in our lives, Wonkette is almost tempted to say, "Stay strong, Jeff Sessions!" Almost.
Reportedly, some Republican senators are horrified by how Trump is treating Jeff Sessions, and even Trump loyalists in the White House are freaked, considering how Sessions was Trump's first and most loyal admirer in the 2016 campaign. According to CNN, "The thinking goes: If this could happen to Sessions, it could happen to anyone." Whoa if true! (It's definitely true.) Meanwhile, Buzzfeed describes the mood in the Department Of Justice as one of "sober resignation."
Back at the White House, there's news of a shake-up in Trump's MENSA chapter of lawyers. Mark Corallo, spokesdude for the legal team, has bailed (wonder why he's jumping ship right now! HMMM), and crazy late night sexter Marc Kasowitz, who has always been way out of his league in this matter, is stepping back into a more minor role, according to Politico.
So, you know, everything is fine and the Republic of America is totally chill right now, no big, nothing to worry about.
Just kidding, shit is about to get real and we better be ready. Hey, want something terrifying to read about how "We're on the brink of an authoritarian crisis"? Of course you do!
It's OK to start drinking. It's 10 AM somewhere after all.
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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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