Swift Vets and the Candidates That Love Them

AP060909059267.jpgEvery day when I sit down to do this blogging thing, I thank the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Those lying shitsacks may have stuck us with an additional four years of George Bush, but without them I probably wouldn't have a job. They're back! Hooray! They smashed the credibility of the 11-year-old spokesboy for sick children earlier this year but that was just a pre-election year warm up. They have all kinds of more fun up their bile-spewing sleeves, including the ability to give all kinds money to a candidate they've bought: the engineer of the Straight Talk Express, John "WALNUTS!" McCain!

When the Swiftboaters first rolled out from under their rock he was all, "I condemn you for your lies." Now, though, since he probably has a sense that he'll be dead or a vegetable four years from now, he has no problem taking their money and the baggage that comes with it. The Nation suggests that a candidate's support from the Swift Vets is directly proportional to his willingness to do or say anything. WALNUTS! has gotten over $60,00 from them, which was a pact with the devil because it was about the only thing that rejuvenated his campaign. You won't be surprised to learn that the Swift Vets' favorite candidate is actually Mittens, to whom they've given more than $70,000 because he's basically a high-class call girl turning tax-exempt tricks for pretty much anyone.

Noticeably absent from this story is Mike Huckabee, who we expect will be history by this time tomorrow. In fact, so non-threatening is Teh Huck to the Swiftest Vets that he didn't even need to be swiftboated! Plus they have to save their major fire for a Democrat. We sure do hope that Hillary can play dirtier than just digging up letters scribbled by kindergarteners onto extra wide-lined paper.

So here we go, Wonketteers, into the most poisonous presidential election in this country's history! Ready for a Democratic president? Don't fucking count on it!

Return of the Swift Boaters [The Nation]


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