We Think We Know The Real Reason Trump Is Losing His Shit Over The Mueller Investigation Right Now

Mueller isn't just investigating Russians -- he's investigating the Trump family's PERSONAL RUSSIAN BEST FRIENDS.

Hey, want to hear the world's most amusingly hilarious LOL joke? Donald Trump wants the Robert Mueller investigation to be over in "a couple of weeks." LMAO KNEESLAPPER EAT SHIT, MR. PRESIDENT!

Anyway, quick update on the Robert Mueller investigation, which will be over when it is goddamned over, thank you. NBC News reports that Mueller is in negotiations to interview Emin Agalarov AKA Just Call Him Emin, the mediocre yet homely Russian pop star who helped set up Donald Trump Jr.'s Russian treason meeting in Trump Tower. Will Mueller be successful in this endeavor? Dunno, but he's talking to Emin's lawyers! Of course, Emin lives in Russia, and we don't see Vladimir Putin serving up the Russians Mueller has indicted so far, so we doubt he's going to serve up Emin on a platter. However, Emin really really really really really wants to be a big pop star in America so if Mueller wants him, may we suggest he tell Emin he is "opening" for "Ariana Grande" at "Madison Square Garden"? It very well might work. (Emin sucks. You should know that Emin sucks. )

You see, the idea for holding Miss Universe in Moscow in 2013 came from Emin, and also his publicist Rob Goldstone, the British music promoter who started the email chain to Don Jr. that started off Junior's treason season at Trump Tower. Miss Universe was supposed to be a win-win for everybody -- it would get Emin in front of an American crowd that might be hungry for whatever Russian hit single Emin was promoting at the time ("Jizzing In My Borscht," we believe) and it would help Trump get into the Russian market. Indeed, after Miss Universe, the seeds were planted for Trump's first (failed) Moscow Trump Tower project, which was to be a joint venture with Aras Agalarov, AKA Emin's dad, AKA "Putin's builder."

Our point is, the Trumps and the Agalarovs are CLOSE, and they have been close since Miss Universe. People like to marvel over how the Trump campaign didn't contact the FBI when they were approached by a bunch of Russians promising dirt on Hillary Clinton, but they often miss how they weren't just approached for this meeting by some random Oleg on the street. They were approached by THEIR RUSSIANS, who happen to be deeply connected to the Kremlin. Why would they call the FBI on their BFFs? The random Oleg approach was most likely made in Russia, with PUTIN'S Olegs approaching TRUMP'S Olegs to get them to do some good old fashioned spy stuff to the Trumps. And we're guessing that once that deal was made, getting Junior to do some treasons in Trump Tower was the easy part.

Also, remember the phone call Junior made to a blocked number (DADDY!) during the set-up for this meeting, in between two phone calls to Russia that we're pretty sure were with Emin? Remember how Michael Cohen is supposedly prepared to testify that Daddy Trump absolutely for sure 100% knew about this meeting before it even happened? Remember how Steve Bannon said there's no way in hell Junior didn't take those Russians up to meet his dad? Especially considering how much Trump doesn't love Junior, it absolutely beggars belief to think Junior didn't violently cream himself and tell his dad about this meeting at least ONE MILLION TIMES before it happened.

We are guessing Robert Mueller knows alllllll about how this played out.

And if Mueller is poking around with the Agalarovs, that means he's got Trump dead to rights, at least for one of his many treasons, and maybe many many more! (Foreign Corrupt Practices Act violations are sure to come up, for instance.)

Remember how the media was telling us Trump lost it this week because Robert Mueller sent his lawyers a letter in further negotiations for an interview? Remember how we didn't quite buy that story? We'd suggest it's far more likely that Trump has been losing it this week because Mueller is getting close to his Russians.

Better not fly internationally, Agalarov boys. We have a feeling somebody might be waiting for you at the gate.

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[ NBC News ]