Relax, America, your governor may have closed your favorite bar, but Mitch McConnell is still a fucking dick, so please take solace in the fact that not everything about American life has changed in the last five minutes. Also take solace in the fact that our latest Mitch McConnell Is A Dick news reveals what Mitch McConnell's Turtle Dick really thinks about this November's elections.

Basically he is telling all the wingnut federal judges who are #Olds to please go ahead and retire or die or something, to make sure Donald Trump can appoint their successor. OK, he is not saying the "die" part, at least not out loud, but he's just saying they need to go the fuck away this year please, or at least take "senior status," which allows a successor to be appointed. Why? No reason. He probably just thinks they are very stinky and wants them to buzz off.

Of course, the New York Times piece on this starts out by noting that Republicans are "running out federal court vacancies to fill," because literally the only thing the Senate has accomplished lately is just confirming a bunch of 24-year-old right-wing dipshits to lifetime appointments, thus assuring that long after Trump's literal stains have been wiped off all the surfaces of the White House, the stains of his legacy will be fucking up your life and your children's and grandchildren's lives for decades hence.

But McConnell needs MOAR JUDGES, PLEEZ RETIRE MOAR JUDGES! So he's "personally reaching out" to all the wingnut judges he can think of, to kindly request they GTFO.


Republicans are reminding the judges that it could be another eight years — 2029 — before they could leave under a Republican president.

Better get out quick! The Times reports there are about 90 judges on their list. One of those judges, Thomas Griffith of the DC Appeals Court, is in fact gonna retire this fall. You remember who Thomas Griffith is? That's right, he is the Bush appointee who just last week kicked Donald Trump's ass in the case about giving Congress the grand jury information from the Mueller Report. Better get some date-rapey anti-choice recent law school grad named Trevor in his seat TOOT SWEET!

One expert is just wondering if McConnell is lifting his shell up and showing those judges a little nipple action, or maybe offering the judges something else:

"If Mitch McConnell is having direct conversations to pressure sitting federal judges to basically retire so Trump can name more picks, it is court-packing in a different form," said Brian Fallon, the executive director of the progressive judicial group Demand Justice. "It raises the question of what, if anything, McConnell is offering them to take senior status earlier than planned. This type of hand-in-glove coordination shows how utterly politicized the judicial branch is."

Point is, all of this is happening because McConnell knows he's going to lose. No, not in the sense of Amy McGrath is going to beat him in Kentucky, though weirder things have happened. But it sounds like he knows his future is going to contain a Democratic president, a Democratic Senate, or both. Time is running out! Gotta get more white supremacist misogynistic anti-LGBT shithole child judges who can barely spell their own names much less wipe their own asses onto the courts, so that long after McConnell, Trump, and the rapidly aging white cohort that still supports them are dead, they can non-consensually force their will on generations of Americans to come.

But again, this a good news post, and again, the good news is that Mitch McConnell knows they are about to get their MF-in' asses kicked. The bad news is that the next Democratic president and Congress are going to have to do so so much to wrest the federal judiciary back from these goddamned motherfuckers.

The rest of the news is bad news, but we are not putting it in this blog post, because this is a good news blog post.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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