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Take Intern Juli's Advanced Emanuel Brothers Personality Test From Hell

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If you're a former ballet dancer with a hot temper and nine and a half fingers, you're probably glad to see that this Rahm Emanuel fellow came along. If he can make it, so can you! Emanuel also has two brothers, Zeke and Ari, with whom you might have more in common than you might think. Take Wonkette's Official Emanuel Brother Diagnostic Personality Test and find out!


1. Pretend you were one of three brothers born to a psychiatric social worker and a pediatrician. You'd be the:

A. Eldest [Wikipedia]

B. Middle child [Wikipedia]

C. Youngest, by 16 months to the day [Wikipedia]

2. It's time to attend a small elite in-the-middle-of-nowhere four-year liberal arts college. You choose:

A. Amherst; in western Massachusetts, the only person around to give an inferiority crisis to is yourself [New York Times]

B. Sarah Lawrence; grades are for the weak and the academically-inclined [New York Times]

C. Macalester; it's neither Sarah Lawrence nor Amherst [New York Times]

3. Pet peeve:

A. Doctor-assisted suicide [New York Times]

B. Tony Blair's incompetence [Telegraph]

C. The belief that IQ and income are proportional [New York Times]

4. Unlikely ally:

A. the Wyden-Bennett health care bill [HuffPost]

B. G.W.F. Hegel [New Yorker]

C. Arianna Huffington [HuffPost]

5. Medical triumph:

A. Hippocrates Magazine Ethicist of the Year Award [NIH]

B. Survived a terrible case of a gangrenous finger [Esquire]

C. Dyslexic, hyperactive; you were accidentally hit by a car driven by your own client [New York Times]

6. Unlikely antagonist:

A. Andrew Sullivan [Andrew Sullivan]

B. Andrew Sullivan [Andrew Sullivan]

C. Mel Gibson [Defamer]

7. You're invisible on GChat, but you still choose to IM:

A. Stuart Butler, to say something pithy [Campaign Stop]

B. George Stephanopoulos [New York Times]

C. Chris Albrecht, domestic abuser with a heart [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

8. Achilles heel:

A. Dearth of information about yourself on the Internet, rendering it difficult to compile a quiz based on your life [Google]

B. Interior decoration [New Yorker]

C. Season 4 of Entourage [The Big Picture]

9. To unwind, you:

A. Speak at the Aspen Institute [CSR Wire]

B. Call your rabbi [New Yorker]

C. Play racquetball [New York Times]

10. Ultimate goal:

A. Universal health care [PBS]

B. To be president of synagogue, America [New Yorker]

C. Getting front-paged on the Huffington Post [HuffPost]

Mostly As: Congratulations, you're Zeke. You're probably going to cure cancer one day. You're a lot smarter than everyone else, ever, and you illustrate this by wearing a pair of intimidatingly thin-rimmed glasses.

Mostly Bs: You're Rahm. You're sassy and petulant and disrespectful—but are grounded by your commitment to Judaism -- and now you're working for the Obama White House. You're Aaron's Sorkin's wet dream. Congratulations?

Mostly Cs: You're Ari "Gold" Emanuel and you work in Hollywood, with movie stars. You may not be as smart as your older brothers, but you're arguably better looking and certainly richer. For now, anyway.

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And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!

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If you're as old as I am, you'll recall that back in the 1980s, the whole Republican brand involved not trusting the Ruskies, and they were especially disappointed when Kevin Costner turned out to be one in No Way Out. Now, the current Republican president is talking like some kind of crazy commie lib, bashing the FBI and giving the benefit of the doubt to a former KGB agent. During an interview Sunday where he wore a hat with "USA" in big letters on it, presumably so someone could easily return him if he got lost on the field trip, Trump went so far as to call the European Union a "foe" of his country, which if you believe his hat is supposedly the United States not Russia.

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