Take Intern Juli's Advanced Emanuel Brothers Personality Test From Hell


If you're a former ballet dancer with a hot temper and nine and a half fingers, you're probably glad to see that this Rahm Emanuel fellow came along. If he can make it, so can you! Emanuel also has two brothers, Zeke and Ari, with whom you might have more in common than you might think. Take Wonkette's Official Emanuel Brother Diagnostic Personality Test and find out!

1. Pretend you were one of three brothers born to a psychiatric social worker and a pediatrician. You'd be the:

A. Eldest [Wikipedia]

B. Middle child [Wikipedia]

C. Youngest, by 16 months to the day [Wikipedia]

2. It's time to attend a small elite in-the-middle-of-nowhere four-year liberal arts college. You choose:

A. Amherst; in western Massachusetts, the only person around to give an inferiority crisis to is yourself [New York Times]

B. Sarah Lawrence; grades are for the weak and the academically-inclined [New York Times]

C. Macalester; it's neither Sarah Lawrence nor Amherst [New York Times]

3. Pet peeve:

A. Doctor-assisted suicide [New York Times]

B. Tony Blair's incompetence [Telegraph]

C. The belief that IQ and income are proportional [New York Times]

4. Unlikely ally:

A. the Wyden-Bennett health care bill [HuffPost]

B. G.W.F. Hegel [New Yorker]

C. Arianna Huffington [HuffPost]

5. Medical triumph:

A. Hippocrates Magazine Ethicist of the Year Award [NIH]

B. Survived a terrible case of a gangrenous finger [Esquire]

C. Dyslexic, hyperactive; you were accidentally hit by a car driven by your own client [New York Times]

6. Unlikely antagonist:

A. Andrew Sullivan [Andrew Sullivan]

B. Andrew Sullivan [Andrew Sullivan]

C. Mel Gibson [Defamer]

7. You're invisible on GChat, but you still choose to IM:

A. Stuart Butler, to say something pithy [Campaign Stop]

B. George Stephanopoulos [New York Times]

C. Chris Albrecht, domestic abuser with a heart [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

8. Achilles heel:

A. Dearth of information about yourself on the Internet, rendering it difficult to compile a quiz based on your life [Google]

B. Interior decoration [New Yorker]

C. Season 4 of Entourage [The Big Picture]

9. To unwind, you:

A. Speak at the Aspen Institute [CSR Wire]

B. Call your rabbi [New Yorker]

C. Play racquetball [New York Times]

10. Ultimate goal:

A. Universal health care [PBS]

B. To be president of synagogue, America [New Yorker]

C. Getting front-paged on the Huffington Post [HuffPost]

Mostly As: Congratulations, you're Zeke. You're probably going to cure cancer one day. You're a lot smarter than everyone else, ever, and you illustrate this by wearing a pair of intimidatingly thin-rimmed glasses.

Mostly Bs: You're Rahm. You're sassy and petulant and disrespectful—but are grounded by your commitment to Judaism -- and now you're working for the Obama White House. You're Aaron's Sorkin's wet dream. Congratulations?

Mostly Cs: You're Ari "Gold" Emanuel and you work in Hollywood, with movie stars. You may not be as smart as your older brothers, but you're arguably better looking and certainly richer. For now, anyway.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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