Tampa Republican Convention Day One: Fox & Friends' Brian Kilmeade Is Going To Be Our (Forced) Lover

TAMPA -- Three glasses of a lovely New Zealand sauvignon blanc, one stone-cold $12 club sandwich, one missed opportunity for a picture with none other than walking date-rape wanted-poster Brian Kilmeade, who walking-wanted-postered in past us while we were out smoking, and our phone was plugged in back at the bar. There is nothing to report from Tampa. Not one fucking thing. Not a thing at all. Drunk-face emoticon!

We flew all night. For once, we actually look our age, and nobody evinces any shock at all about our almost-40-ness. And Tampa is a hot freaking mess right now, pouring rain, hot winds with a bizarre top-note of icy wind over it. What is that? We are from Los Angeles, where hot winds stay hot and cold winds stay cold. None of this wind-misgenation nonsense!

We left our $30 per night Airbnb room -- lovely! So clean! And the lady, from the Caribbean, twisted our towels into swans! It's in a black neighborhood, an hour by bus from the DMZ that is Tampa's downtown, with squadrons of bike cops in cammies. We were going to take some Hot Cop pictures, but then none of them were hot. SAD FACE.

And so we have been at the Hyatt since 11 maybe? We have seen four people of color. Three of them were media. The credential of the fourth was turned around, so there is no way to ever know. We'd been invited to pop by the DNC's war room, but were then summarily evicted when our inviter went MIA, and right across the street were electric sockets and liquor and very nice barkeeps. Did anything at all happen, besides our near miss with Brian Kilmeade? Let us answer that with this: if anything at all had happened today, in the first (but canceled) day of the RNC, we would not be forced to end this post with a Thomas Friedman's Taxi-Man Experience.

Nick is from Palestine, and he spent the whole 20 minute ride from the airport yelling about how much he loves Barack Obama, and how Mitt Romney is a creep, and we are the wealthiest nation on earth and where the fuck is our Medicaid? And we yelled back at him -- WE KNOW! MITT ROMNEY IS TERRIBLE! AND WE HAVE OBAMACARE NOW AND FUCK THEM! And he told us that he yelled at an RNC lady about how much he loves Barack Obama, and we asked if she tipped him, and she did not! But Nick did not care, he just wanted to yell at the lady, about Israel, and Mitt Romney, and how much he loves Barack Obama. Nick did not bow and scrape to that lady. Nick is a free man.

All right! Good post!

Eye-crease emoticon.