As the nation nurses its wounds from Milkshakegate, we are faced with yet another collective trauma, as TAMPONGHAZI is upon us. Hide your wives and daughters! Actually, don't hide your female relatives. In fact, if you are not the proud owner of your very own vagina, find a lady and ask her what this is.

Or more to the point, ask her what it isn't. Because it sure as hell isn't a tampon, despite what the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and the gullible male reporter at Fox 11 LA would have you believe. Because tampons are made of rigid cotton that can't be pierced with a straw. Because they're not that long. Because there's no string. Because if tampons could disintegrate in liquid, we'd all be dead from toxic shock syndrome. Because SHUT UP HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET A WOMAN?


Two dudes at Vice have Zaprudered the whole thing, spending all morning dunking tampons into coffee drinks and measuring the diameter of coffee lids. Which ... God bless, fellas! But as someone who made three whole people out of my own body, I can promise you, that's not a tampon. And this piece from Fox 11 is not good reporting. Particularly coming just hours after the story about the cops getting poisoned at Shake Shack was so roundly and thoroughly debunked.

But clicks are clicks, so ...

According to reporters Bill Melugin and Shelly Insheiwat (who should really, really know better), an off-duty LAPD officer, who was not wearing a uniform, "used his police credit union debit card" to purchase a Frappuccino at a Starbucks inside a Target in Diamond Bar. Halfway through drinking it, he looked down and saw whatever that nasty looking thing is floating around his drink.

And instead of thinking EWWWW VOMIT SOME KIND OF GRODY WHEY CLOT DISLODGED FROM THE RECESSES OF THE MACHINE INTO MY DRINK, he immediately realized that an antifa supersoldier had assaulted him with a feminine hygiene product. Because obviously! The person taking orders had time to notice what card the cop stuck in the machine and whisper "Five O! Activate Operation Venti Menses!" to the person filling the order, who happened to have a used tampon stashed in her pocket to slip into the unsuspecting law enforcement officer's drink in full view of everyone in the store and the security cameras. And then the officer got halfway through it before noticing a giant, decomposing wad of cotton bobbing around his beverage. It just makes too much sense!

"Walnut Station Detectives are investigating an incident of alleged poisoning of food or drink at a local business. The incident was reported to have occurred Friday, June 19, 2020 at approximately ‪2:30 p.m.‬, on the 700 block of Grand Avenue in the city of Diamond Bar. The victim was a male White 36 years-old. This is an ongoing investigation. No further information is available at this time," police told the local Fox affiliate.

And even though Fox 11 called the Diamond Bar Target which said no such incident took place in their store, the television station still called up the LA Police Protective League, where an unnamed representative said, "This disgusting assault on a police officer was carried out by someone with hatred in their heart and who lacks human decency. We hope they are publicly exposed, fired, arrested, and prosecuted for their cowardly and repugnant actions." And they had to run it, because that is just good copy.

Luckily cops never lie about stupid shit in a transparent attempt to prove that they are the Real Victim™, not generations of Black people who have been harassed, shot, beaten, choked and deprived of their civil rights as American citizens.

Well, okay, there was the time when that cop lied about taking a bite of his own burger at McDonalds and accused the staff of hatecriming him. And the cop who falsely accused McDonalds' employees of writing "Fucking pig" on his coffee cup. Or the time that cop said a Subway employee put meth in his soda. He hadn't. Or that whole bullshit Shake Shack thing from yesterday.

But this time, for totally serious, this is a real assault on Blue Live Matter, and not some regular old food service fuckup with a dirty machine that got spun up into a hate crime because cops find themselves roundly loathed right now and are trying to flip the narrative.

This is too a good story! He's got multiple independent sources, you guys! But none of them in possession of a vagina, apparently.

[Fox 11]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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