On Friday night, President Arty McDeals announced that Mexico had agreed to solve our immigration crisis, so he didn't need to break both of our economies with his dumbass escalating tariff scheme. Please clap. Using his unparalleled negotiating skills and catlike reflexes, Donald Trump managed to wrest "major concessions" from our Mexican neighbors, who were naturally no match for his steely reserve and dealmaking prowess.


Does that mean the National Emergy is over and Trump can stop stealing money for WALL from the Defense Department, wondered Senator Chuck Schumer? If Mexico is going to eliminate undocumented immigration, then there's no crisis and no need to build the border wall, right?

Except, as it turns out, Trump hadn't negotiated anything at all. Surprise! Mexico did agree to deploy more of its own National Guard troops to the southern border with Guatemala and to allow more migrants to remain in Mexico as their asylum claims are processed by American courts. But, as the New York Times reported Saturday, it was quit-fired Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen who wrangled those particular concessions in secret talks back in December. In this latest round of negotiations, Mexico held out and refused to budge on the Trump administration's demand to be able to reject any migrant who had crossed Mexico without first seeking asylum in that country. And with Republicans flipping their shit about an impending trade war, the White House blinked. They caved and called it a victory. Again.

Please try not to faint, but the written agreement makes no mention of Mexico buying LARGE QUANTITIES OF AGRICULTURAL PRODUCT FROM OUR GREAT PATRIOT FARMERS! President Brokebrain either made that up entirely, hallucinated it, or was fed this line by some aide desperate to paint this fuckup as a win for his toddler boss.

Naturally Trump handled it with his usual aplomb and good grace. Just kidding, he spent the entire weekend shitposting and calling the press the "enemy of the people." (Well, the entire weekend when he wasn't golfing on the taxpayer's dime. Which he appears to have done five days running.)

And YUH HUNH the Mexicans are too going to buy more corn from Iowa farmers. But it's a secret, unwritten deal. That's why the Mexican ambassador refuses to confirm it. So shhhhhhh, it's an unwritten guarantee, and you can take that to the bank!

The Times issued a terse rebuttal on Twitter, pointing out that, "as with so many other occasions, our stories stand up over time and the president's denials of them do not." Peter Baker wrote a particularly aggressive followup story this morning pointing out that the President is a Liarfuckingliar, who "has repeatedly denied stories in The Times that were later confirmed as true." Like the time he pretended he hadn't called Meghan Markle "nasty." Or the time he lied about his meeting with the Times publisher. Or the time he denied telling Don McGahn to fire Robert Mueller. Or the time he denied telling Don McGahn to write a memo saying that he hadn't tried to get him to fire Robert Mueller.

Naturally, Trump is still screaming incoherently into the ether this morning.

Here on Planet Earth, the US and Mexico still appear to be miles apart on what exactly their vaguely worded joint declaration entails. Does it require Mexico to "greatly reduce or eliminate" the number of migrants presenting at the US border, or just bring down numbers from the recent surge, which saw 5,800 people apprehended in just one day last month, precipitating the president's latest freakout? Depends on who you ask!

The Times reports that the "new" piece of this "deal" is "greater dedication by Mexico to actually follow through on such commitments to avoid another threat of tariffs by Mr. Trump." In December, Mexican negotiators promised to send up to 6,000 troops to their own southern border, but by May, there were only about 1,000 soldiers in place. Or, as acting Homeland Security Secretary Kevin McAleenan told Fox News Sunday:

All of it is new. I mean, we've heard commitments before from Mexico to do more on their southern border. The last time they deployed down there is about four- or 500 officers. This is more than a tenfold commitment to increase their security in Chiapas. That's where people are entering from Guatemala and southern Mexico.

Oh, did Donald Trump's concentration camp warden make a wee fib? This is entirely shocking.

The White House is still refusing to say what's in the secret clause written in lemon juice on the back of a cocktail napkin during the US-Mexican negotiations. But that hasn't stopped Trump threatening to wreck Mexico's economy with tariffs if their legislators don't approve it -- whatever it actually is.

Our money's on the "remain in Mexico" policy, which would force Guatemalans, Hondurans, and Salvadorans to seek asylum in Mexico before presenting at the US border. Which they already repeatedly rejected. But who the hell knows with this lunatic. Maybe Donald Trump wants his face on the peso and an official proclamation from President López Obrador that Obama smells like cabbage and Melania is the hottest First Lady ever.

He actually retweeted this one last night. So presidential!.

JFC, remember when we didn't make foreign policy ON TWITTER? That was fun. We should try that again, huh?

[NYT / NYT, again / US-Mexico Joint Declaration / Fox]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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