'Tariff Man' Trump Orders Markets To STOP CRASHING!
Wasn't that fun yesterday when the Dow Jones dropped 800 points! Turns out the markets get a little spooked when the leader of the free world starts the day by tweeting that he's "Tariff Man," hero of the long awaited Marvel-Forbes blockbuster series The Regulators. Get your tickets now!
Luckily the market is closed today to mourn our last great WASP president. The money gurus will need a minute to absorb the shocking news that President Winginit was lying out his orange ass when he said he'd negotiated a great trade deal with Chinese President Xi Jinping.
Yeah, he still thinks China is paying the tariffs, not American companies who rely on imported goods. And his promises that the Chinese were going to immediately start hoovering up our soybeans seem to be a bit premature. All of which is going down just as the trillion dollar sugar rush from the GOP tax scam is finally starting to wear off. Not to put too fine a point on it, but we may in in for a bit of a rough ride.
Remember when the wise men of the GOP told us that Trump's unpredictability was part of his wily negotiating strategy? That having a leader who doggedly refuses to read, takes his marching orders from Fox and Friends, and lacks any impulse control was going to be GREAT for America? How's that working out?
"The words are noisy, but markets can't wear noise-canceling headphones," said Diane Swonk, chief economist at Grant Thornton. "You can't delineate the noise from policy because sometimes the noise is policy. Markets like certainty. They need to know the rules of the road, whatever they are, to move forward."
Thanks, WaPo! So what you're saying is, WE'RE FUCKED.
Trump spent this morning tweeting reassuring palaver meant to stabilize the markets. He's not NAIVE, but he knows in his gut that a bunch of happytalk generalities shared at a banquet hall over steaks in Argentina is exactly the same as a written contract. (Even if the steaks were raw and there was no ketchup to be found among the hottentots.) Take it from a guy who went broke running change machines that take in quarters and return nickels -- this will be a great deal!
Sure they haven't started buying anything yet. But you know the Chinese had a long layover in Cleveland, they had to unpack, plus they had miserable jet lag. It's going to be fine, you'll see. They'll probably execute a couple of drug dealers by lunchtime just as a show of good faith.
So, we're good now, right?
Just to be sure, Trump has dispatched White House Brain Trust to assure the public that THIS IS FINE. Here's Larry Kudlow assuring the money men that, "We're humming!" Like a man astride Vesuvius enjoying the therapeutic vibrations.
And if that doesn't work, there's always Old Wilbur Ross, ready to reassure the plebes that their delicious lunch of tallboys and canned consommé will only cost a few pennies extra.
NO RECESSION! NO RECESSION! YOU'RE THE RECESSION!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.