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Tattooed Pig Urges Wonkabout To Leave DC (Goodbye Forever!)

Wonkabout

Well hello! After two years of eating and drinking her way around this city so you could know which small plates, pork, hamburger or pizza establishment is worthy of your hard-earned disposable income, it is time for your Wonkabout to leave the playground that is D.C. She is off to learn things in grad school, after which she'll probably be unemployed, burdened by debt and unable to afford her pork habit. Wish her luck! But really, it was all fun and gamesuntil tattooing a dead pig for charity became an acceptable D.C. springtime activity ... and then she knew it was time to go.


What a better way to end than with a listicle of Arielle’s D.C. musings. In first person, of course:

  • Eat breakfast: Every once in a while, on Saturday or Sunday, indulge in the esoteric art of eating breakfast, as opposed to brunch, that is. Sure, mimosas are great, but there's nothing wrong with the long lost meal known as breakfast. If you want to enjoy a simple, easy, no-frills, inexpensive, alcohol-free morning meal out, I (I!) recommend Point Chaud Cafe and Crepes, Pica Taco, Sova, or the Dupont Market.
  • Jewish deli: Someone, please build a real, good, authentic Jewish deli in the District of Columbia. Please. Maybe instead of another dimly lit, nondescript bistro we could have just one good Jewish deli?
  • Do not be afraid of eating inside: D.C.'s food trucks serve great food, but it’s okay if you don't want to stand around like a dumb idiot in the freezing rain and instead choose to enter an actual building to eat, just like they do in Real America! My (my!) favorite indoor eating places include: Rosemary's Thyme, Red Rocks Pizzeria, Thaitanic, Zaytinya, Potenza, Bar Pilar, Hank's Oyster Bar, Granville Moors, and American Ice Company.
  • The New York-ification of D.C.: Resist the urge to find the “New York aspect” of every new bar/restaurant that opens. One, because it’s not like New York cares, and two, because you don't get a free cookie just because you ate somewhere that was deemed “New York-like.” D.C. is a great city in and of itself. Period.
  • Do things other than eat and drink: D.C. may have tons of great restaurants and bars, but it’s also home to many great non-food-based establishments that are worthy of your disposable income, including the Woolly Mammoth Theater, Arena Stage, Theater J, HR-57, and West End Cinema.
  • Tattooing a pig is not a good idea: It's self indulgent. It doesn't matter if the pig was college educated or got to frolic on organically harvested grass or even listened to the soothing sounds of Jewel’s greatest hits while it was being slaughtered. Have we reached the point in D.C. where eating has become such an overly-gluttonous activity so far removed from why we eat in the first place that when someone said, “Let's tattoo a dead pig for the laffs and then eat it” no one felt a need to object? And even if, as it turns out, this is accepted as "job training" in the tattoo industry, do we really need to have five-course $65 dinner that flippantly exploits this and removes any dignity the pig once had? Why is culinary innovation in D.C. limited to never-ending pig roasts, gimmicks and turning unhealthy foods like doughnuts into absurd gourmet eats so that they can become more than appropriate for the culinary dignified among us? Anyone? Whatever happened to eating healthy food?

But on a better note: Thank you times a billion to Ken, Jim, Sara, Josh, Jack, Juli, Liz and Riley for everything! Here's to craft beer, small plates, pork, table taps, cheese plates, and expensive cocktails. It's been fun! THE END.

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What's up fuckers? Were you waiting for me to come back from Mexico and write words at ya? Well, you know I don't write words at ya anymore, because of how I hate you, each, individually, but more importantly Trump has knocked all the words right out of my silly little lady brain.

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And then SHIT GOT WEIRD.

NBC reports that the Trump administration is so desperate to resume normal relations with Jared Kushner's BFF MBS that they're trying to trade 77-year-old cleric Fetullah Gülen -- a lawful resident of Pennsylvania for 20 years -- to the Turkish government in exchange for them dropping the inquiry into the Khashoggi murder.

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