Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

English lacks sufficient invective for this smug excuse for a human being.

Sen. Ted Cruz, displaying the warmth and basic decency that have made him a legend among near-human beings, chose the day after former President Jimmy Carter announced that he has brain cancer to natter on about how terrible a president Carter was, but at least the man only had a single term before Ronald Reagan Saved America.

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Less than 24 hours after the former president said, "I just thought I had a few weeks left," and thanked God for his "exciting and adventurous and gratifying existence," Cruz mounted the Des Moines Register's candidate soapbox at the Iowa State Fair on Friday and shared his own take on the significance of the dying former president and world peacemaker, who helped negotiate a peace treaty between Egypt and Israel:

"I think the parallels between this administration and the Carter administration are uncanny: same failed domestic policies, same misery, stagnation and malaise, same feckless and naïve foreign policy," Cruz said. "In fact, the exact same countries—Russia and Iran -- openly laughing and mocking at the president of the United States."

Cruz then paused and asked, "Why is it that that analogy gives me so much hope and encouragement?"

"We know how that story ended," he continued. "All across this country, millions of men and women rose up and became the Reagan revolution."

A Register reporter asked Cruz later if he thought that his remarks might be seen as insensitive -- coming as they did on the heels of what many observers considered a deeply moving farewell to the nation from a dying former president. Cruz seemed almost surprised that anyone could think such a thing:

"We can always have a discussion about public policy," he said. "The public policy of the late 1970s didn't work. And the point that I made here that was so important is that in response to the failures of public policy in the late 1970s there was a grassroots movement of millions of men and women that rose up and became the Reagan revolution. And the same thing is happening today."

Cruz's thoughtful insistence that There's No "Americas' favorite former President has Cancer" in "Team" is of a piece with other incidents suggesting that while Cruz may have read descriptions of common human decency, he has never actually indulged in such irrelevant trifles himself. In June, three days before Joe Biden's son Beau had even been buried, Cruz made a side-splitting joke about the grief-stricken vice president:

You know, Vice President Joe Biden. You know the nice thing? You don’t need a punchline. I promise you it works. The next party you’re at, just walk up to someone, say “Vice President Joe Biden,” and just close your mouth. They will crack up laughing!

To be unnecessarily fair to Cruz, his Republican audience, which also consisted entirely of conscience-free ghouls, cracked up laughing.

Later the same month, just days after a white supremacist, seeking to start a race war, shot nine black people to death as they prayed, Cruz made a hilarious joke about guns:

We need to defend the Second Amendment, the right to keep and bear arms. You know the great thing about the state of Iowa is, I’m pretty sure y’all define gun control the same way we do in Texas — hitting what you aim at.”

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We'll give Cruz this much: His Asshole Remarks Response Time is getting a lot faster. Perhaps the next time there's a horrific school shooting (don't worry -- there will be one), Cruz can arrange to fly directly to the site that day to mingle with first responders and make some witty remarks about how it was a good start at bringing an end to teachers' unions.

Following his Iowa remarks about Carter, Cruz smirked, declared that he would never be bound by your petty politically correct assumptions again, then kicked a disabled orphan and broke the neck of an adorable puppy, both of whom he described as worthless takers. He is expected to be lauded on Fox News this evening for his brash straight talk.


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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