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We were about to write a post about the worst rightwing pundit reactions to Ted Cruz's little topless Mexican "Cruz Gone Wild" adventure, while the state he represents literally freezes to death. Then the senator himself released a statement:

The first graf is dumb. "The greatest state in the greatest country in the world has been without power," he says, without noting that it's happening because the Texas GOP made it that way. Cruz says his own family lost heat and power, in their very nice house. They're just like you!

Then he blames his children Caroline and Catherine, who are 12 and 10:

With school cancelled for the week, our girls asked to take a trip with friends. Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon. My staff and I are in constant communication with state and local BLAH BLAH BLAH

That's right, blame the girls.

We feel like there are a lot of holes in this statement, though. It was the kids' idea, all by themselves? Because they seem kinda young to be like "GOING TO CANCUN, HATERS! COME ALONG IF YOU WANT!" Were their friends' parents inviting them to Cancun? And if so, why would Ted and Heidi Cruz need to fly down with them just for one night? Do they not trust the friends' parents? Couldn't Heidi have just quietly taken them alone? Or does Ted have some sort of super navigational skills he can offer the pilot in case air traffic control fails, therefore he just really needed to go?

Or was it the other way around, and the Cruzes were taking the girls and their friends to Cancun? Did Ted just leave them there? Hopefully Heidi is with them and they haven't joined a caravan!

Reporters caught up with Cruz at the Cancun airport, and while his statement above was very carefully parsed so as never to say he intended to come back today, but rather was a weaselly lie-by-implication suggestion that he wanted you to infer but never said outright — because then people would be like "show us when you bought your return ticket" and "why such a big suitcase for such a little trip? is it just full of dildos?" and he'd be like "when everybody got mad at me, frowny face emoji" and then he'd be like "yes. no. wait what was the question?" — well, he's a whole lot less careful now.

Unbelievably, he said the girls had just sprung their sudden desire for Cancun on him YESTERDAY. Which is totally a thing all 10- and 12-year-olds do, after which they get exactly what they want.

Good thinking on trading out the previous face mask for a big shiny TEXAS one though, Ted Cruz. We're sure that will fix it.

(For the record, NBC News's Peter Alexander has confirmed that Cruz booked his return ticket this morning at around 6, and that was originally supposed to come home Saturday.)

Also, we get having means and wanting to get your kids out of a garbage situation. In 1994, we had an awful ice storm in Memphis and were out of power for weeks, and our parents took us to exotic Forrest City, Arkansas, because it was the closest Holiday Inn they could find with power. Nobody would be that mad at Ted Cruz if he took the family to the Forrest City Holiday Inn. (You know, unless he helped incite an insurrection there.) Hell, we are snowed in RIGHT NOW and if the power went out and we felt like we could safely get out of town with the dog, we would.

Of course, we are not the junior senator from Texas, loudly taking his kids, during a global pandemic, across international boundaries to where the water is warm and the weather is sunny and 85, while millions of Texas children go to bed cold and hungry, because of the devastation Mother Nature and the Texas GOP colluded to visit upon the state. Seems like Cruz, if he wanted to keep his girls safe, could prooooooobably use his Harvard Law brain to figure out a way to serve his constituents while splitting the difference between "Allow own children to starve and freeze to death" and "CANCUUUUUUUUUN BABY!"

We are just saying.

Here are some more dumbfuck reactions to Ted Cruz's Mexican beach vacay, starting of course with Dinesh "D'Dumbfuck" D'Souza:

While we don't disagree that things would in general always be better for America if Ted Cruz left, please raise your hand if you are a Texan who heard about Ted's vacay and thought, "Hooray, Ted is in Cancun! That means there's more frozen pizza I can cook in my powerless oven for me! Maybe I can turn the snow on my car into a nice refreshing drink to go with!" No? Oh well. Anyway, if Ted needs some tips on How To Help, he can always go to Beto O'Rourke's Twitter.

Here is a Newsmax idiot who says Cruz can probably get a whole lot more done from Texas while lounging in his swimming muumuu on the beach than he can in Texas, or, we guess, Washington, where he's a member in good standing of the United States Senate.

And finally, here is hilarious MAGA "life coach" moron Brenden Dilley, last seen on Wonkette SCREAMING that he's not gonna wear a MASK because he's NOT A DORK, OK? Dilley says ... oh surprise! Dilley says Ted Cruz is a "total blundering scumfuck idiot." And also "Ted Cruz is a fucking asshole."

Brenden Dilley is right about a thing.

Who says we can't have unity in America no more?


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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