Ted Cruz Dumber Than Babies, According To Scientists
At last, we have an answer to the age-old question, "For real, which Republican presidential candidate is the stupidest?" Is it Jeb Bush, having to fix everything he touches because he broked it? Is it Ben Carson, with his actual broken brain? BZZZZZ, you are all wrong, it is Ted Cruz. We know this because some hilarious scientists made up A Experiment to test them all on general dumbness, based on statements they've made about climate science:
At the request of The Associated Press, eight climate and biological scientists graded for scientific accuracy what a dozen top candidates said in debates, interviews and tweets, using a 0 to 100 scale.
To try to eliminate possible bias, the candidates' comments were stripped of names and given randomly generated numbers, so the professors would not know who made each statement they were grading. Also, the scientists who did the grading were chosen by professional scientific societies.
And Ted Cruz winned! Or shall we say, Ted Cruz got the lowest score out of everybody running, coming in with a whopping SIX points out of 100, which would suggest he misspelled his own name on the paper, except for how the scientists didn't know which idiot said what.
Here's what one of the scientists said about how bad at using his overcooked Canadian noodle Cruz is:
"This individual understands less about science (and climate change) than the average kindergartner," Michael Mann, a Pennsylvania State University meteorology professor, wrote of Cruz's statements. "That sort of ignorance would be dangerous in a doorman, let alone a president."
Hahahahahahahahahaha, hold on we need to take a break to LOLOLOLOL. Would you like to write for Wonket, Mr. Scientist Guy? We will pay you "money" and "an Obamaphone."
We don't know which stupid things Ted Cruz said to win the title of Most Dumbstupidest Of The Whole U.S. and A, but we're going to guess he didn't win himself any brownie points when he said NASA shouldn't do climate research because planet Earth is not even IN space, you morans. Or maybe they saw that interview where Cruz filled out his climate change denial bingo card in a record-setting four minutes.
Don't worry, the scientists have determined the other Republicans can't find their ass with both hands and a papier-mâché butt plug either. Ben Carson is the second stupidest (big effing surprise there) and the number three spot goes to Donald Trump. Out of all of them, nobody got a grade above 50 except Jeb! Bush, who scored a solid 64. And one of the scientists gave him 100, for some reason, which means #JebFixedIt and also JEB WINNED, just like he did at the last Republican debate.
As for the Democrats, Hillary Clinton is obviously the president of science, as she is the only one of the entire group to get an "A" all the way across the board. Sorry, Bernie Sanders fans and Martin O'Malley's family! O'Malley got an incomplete, for not saying enough science facts that could even be graded. And apparently, the scientists did not #FeelTheBern when he said free college would solve global warming terrorism or whatever. Actually they did not like this, calling it an "overstatement":
"The scientific community is telling us that if we do not address the global crisis of climate change, transform our energy system away from fossil fuel to sustainable energy, the planet that we're going to be leaving our kids and our grandchildren may well not be habitable," Sanders said.
OOPS, don't say any more exaggerations, Bernie!
Anyway, thank you to these scientists for confirming how dumb Ted Cruz is. Wonket will cite your research often!
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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