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It says "The Walrus" next to Ted Cruz. Maybe that's what he calls his penis, ewwww.


[contextly_sidebar id="jJmRBSiPSt82Ph9d2xSnWMCRTn90mccM"]Despite what you may have heard after Sunday night's Democratic debate, with all the snarky headlines about how "Oh look at those growned-up Democrats, they talked about actual isssues, how lame," the most important issue facing America is still Donald Trump's penis and whether it is in fact tremendous or whether it is short and Jebby. That is why it's appalling that Canadian presidential candidate Ted Cruz refused to say even a mouthful of words about it on CBS's "Face The Nation":

We saw moments with Donald Trump and Marco Rubio engaging in insults, engaging in off-color jokes, just getting nastier, nastier and nastier, and throwing mud. My approach, John, I'm not going to play that game. I'm not going to engage in the insults, I'm not going throw the mud. I don't really have any views on the size of any parts of Donald Trump's anatomy, and I'm not interesting in talking about that.

[contextly_sidebar id="R2ebVYZqfaX3UX9H7Lwzw1cSt81VCIMl"]Oh, it's just so naughty and off-color, isn't it? Ted Cruz is such a godly Christian and his soul is so pure he probably doesn't even have something so uncouth as a penis. And his wife Heidi's no help either -- she says Sexxxy Ted has the face of God, but hasn't commented on whether his downstairs is the domain of devilishly Divine Dicking, or whether it's a tiny little nubbin that's shaped like a particularly angry maple leaf.

[contextly_sidebar id="nsAJxdGqc5H9H9tCqmNbpi70AFh1fXxi"]This is very different from the olden days of January when Cruz was boned up and ready to meet Donald Trump behind the gym after class for a little man-to-man swordfighting. Hell, back in November, Cruz was all "YOU TALKIN' TO ME?" and other forms of foreign-born smack talk toward President Obama. He was 100 percent prepared to go dirty, go hard and go home, throwing mud and dick-swinging with the best of them.

Not actually what Ted Cruz looked like ever.

But now he can't even face down something as (allegedly!) shrimpy as Donald Trump's penis. Then again, this is the same guy who thought it was a show of strength to whine and cry in October that the CNBC debate moderators were just being too mean. And there's the whole thing about how Cruz is losing to Donald Trump right now. AND, Trump talks a whole lot about using his terrific penis as a sort of "Bing bong!" catapult to launch foreigns back to their homelands, so maybe Cruz is wise to just keep a low profile right now, if you know what we mean.

(We mean Ted Cruz is a pussy and maybe not even an American, that's what.)

[Crooks & Liars]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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