Ted Cruz Shares Story Of Snappy Comeback He Thought Of One Time

Ted Cruz Shares Story Of Snappy Comeback He Thought Of One Time

Last night, Ted Cruz shared a video of himself speaking to a bunch of young Republicans at the big Turning Point USA convention. In the video, Cruz reassured them all that "your classmates, even if they're scared to say it, are looking around thinking 'this stuff is nuts'." It quickly became clear that he was not referring to a Payday bar, but rather to a thing that had definitely recently happened to him.

Cruz told the absolutely riveting story of the time he spoke to a student at what he calls a "woke college campus," who told him the very tragic story of an incredible inconvenience visited upon her for exactly half a second at the beginning of each semester.

"I talked to a student recently at one of our woke college campuses who said she is required in every class to introduce herself and to give her pronouns," he explained, disgusted, to a wave of literal "boos" from the audience. That must have been so hard for her.

"Well, I'm Ted Cruz, and my pronoun is 'kiss my ass,'" he said, as they cheered riotously, this being what passes for "humor" on that side of the aisle. It was not clear exactly how long it took him to come up with that particular zinger, or if someone just wrote it for him. Maybe Dave Chappelle or someone else who did a sharp turn right once they weren't funny anymore.

I kind of like to think that he thought of it himself. Like he was just lying in bed at night, twirling his beard, and then all of a sudden ... he's got it! He's Ted Cruz and his pronouns are "Kiss My Ass!" Oh boy, would that ever make him sound both clever and like a real tough guy. A tough guy who is tough enough to stand up to the most discriminated against group in the United States of America.

Of course, were he to ever try that in a room not filled with a bunch of creepy young Republicans, he probably would not get the slow clap he imagines.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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