Ted Cruz Takes Moral High Ground​ From Lindsey Graham, What Even Is Happening​

Ted Cruz Takes Moral High Ground​ From Lindsey Graham, What Even Is Happening​

Do you know how badly you have to fuck something up to lose the moral high ground to Ted Cruz? Old Cancun Ted Cruz? Ted "Yes I have a law degree but I'm still sure that innocent people should be kept in prison anyway" Cruz? Ted Cruz, a man so misanthropic he publicly criticized Big Bird for trying to help children be less frightened of getting the 'rona protection jab? Ted Cruz, a man whose list of atrocities is so long, we're amazed the Internet has space for stories about all of them? That Ted Cruz?

Congratulations, Lindsey Graham, on this honor!

Thursday night, having perhaps made a little glub glub with the Russian firewater before it all gets poured into the sewer, Graham went on Sean Hannity's Macho Man Power Hour to, uh, ask someone in Russia to please step up and assassinate Vladimir Putin. Pretty please!

Sure, rise up and take down the dictator for us. This worked out great when George H.W. Bush encouraged the Kurds and Shiites to knock off Saddam Hussein after the Persian Gulf War ... wait, we'll come in again.

The schmuck put it out on Twitter too, just in case anyone thought they misheard and surely a sitting United States senator did not just publicly call for the assassination of Russia's leader during a moment in international relations between Putin and the rest of the planet that could only be described as really fucking delicate.

Perhaps one of Graham's staffers could brief him on how things went for the Roman empire after Brutus and his accomplices assassinated Julius Caesar out of fear that he was on track to become a dictator. (SPOILER ALERT: not great, Bob!)

This was all too much for even Ted Cruz, a man so craven that the Cowardly Lion looks at him and says, "Bitch, please."

We never, ever, ever thought we would type these words about any event in this or any other reality, but deep breath, here goes: Ted Cruz is morally and factually correct. Ted Cruz!

Gonna be an awkward morning in the Senate sauna for everyone.

Hell, even Laura Ingraham called Graham's little stunt "stupid," and she's Laura Ingraham.

By Friday morning, Graham had apparently heard enough of an earful from his fellow travelers/sobered up/remembered that Vladimir Putin has a huge stock of Novichok and the conscience of a syphilitic baboon that he ran back to Fox to try and walk back his comments, telling the Russian ambassador, Hey man, I still want you to get rid of Putin, but I'm not going to be so open about calling for killing him, maybe just figure out how to put him in prison or something, thanks, Boo:

Graham's tail is tucked so deep between his legs, it's making his voice go up by a couple of octaves.

Obviously it's easy to tell ordinary people to charge straight at a man surrounded by a huge security apparatus and many, many guns when you're sitting in a TV studio sloshed on screwdrivers 8,000 miles away. Instead of, say, picking up the AR-15 you've often bragged about owning and taking care of Putin yourself. Maybe next time he's drunk, the senator could go home and play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare instead and let the adults deal with the world's problems.

[Twitter / Twitter / Twitter / Twitter]

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