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Humble man of the Canadian-Texanese people Ted Cruz is a proud Christian. You know, the kind of Christian who thinks the pope is a goddamned idiot when it comes to whether Jesus is just all right with the death penalty; the president of the United States should let a group of a-hole nuns dictate the nation's healthcare policy; and the lord probably won't notice if a certain proud Christian skimps on his biblically mandated charitable giving because Jesus is just all right with that too.

The rest of you, though, who flaunt your religion and rub it in everyone's face and claim to be on a mission from God, acting all anointed 'n' shit? You really ick him out:


Listen, with me, as with many people in America, my faith is an integral part of who I am. I'm a Christian and I'm not embarrassed to say that I'm not going to hide that and treat it like it's something you can't admit publicly and acknowledge it's an important part of who you are.

But I also think that those in politics have an obligation not to wear their faith on their sleeve. There have been far too many politicians that run around behaving like they're holier than thou.

Yeah, like this jerk, whose first presidential campaign ad was all about lovin' the Christ out of Jesus and that's why he was running for president:

Were it not for the transformative love of Jesus Christ, I would have been raised by a single mom without my father in the household. God’s blessing has been on America, from the very beginning of this nation. Over and over again, when we faced impossible odds, the American people rose to the challenge. This is our fight, and that is why I’m running for president of the United States.

Ted Cruz, what do you think about politicians who say stuff like that, huh?

And I'll tell you, my attitude as a voter if some politician stands up and says “I'm running because God told me to run,” my reaction is as a voter is “Great. When God tells me to vote for you we'll be on the same page.”

Oh, Ted Cruz hates when other people who are not Ted Cruz do that. Also, haha, #jokes. Ted Cruz loves to tell #jokes. He's so witty with the OH SNAPS!

Here's a joke for you: Whose jizzwad dry-drunk dick-nubbin Christian supremacist dad has been running around America claiming his son was handpicked by God to be president? It's Ted Cruz's dad, that's who, zing!

Here's another joke for you: Knock knock. Who's there? Heidi Cruz. Heidi Cruz who? Heidi Cruz who thinks her husband and God are identical twinsies, and the whole Cruz clan has been anointed to spread the good Judeo-Christian word:

When I thought about doing it for our country, it became very clear to me that our family must be in this race. And it also became clear to me that we are at a cultural crossroads in our country and if we can be in this race to show this country the face of the God that we serve — this Christian God that we serve is the foundation of our country, our country was built on Judeo-Christian values, we are a nation of freedom of religion, but the God of Christianity is the God of freedom, of individual liberty, of choice and of consequence.

Wonder if Ted Cruz thinks his own wife should shut her stupid holier-than-thou facehole too? Nah, probably not. Like Cruz saideth on the Tweeter, Heidi is the love of his life. Unless Cruz has been sticking his cheese curds in a whole bunch of other ladies. But if he did, it was probably because God told him to, so all good.

[Crooks & Liars]

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