He's a real saint

Ted Cruz (R-Catholic Church*), defender of all sperms, which are sacred, and all life, which is precious, and yadda yadda insincere baloney farts, is displeased with his pope and thinks he is just plain stupid WRONG. Now, as we vaguely understand or perhaps misunderstand Catholicism, mostly from watching Godfather movies and that one dickbag priest on the payroll at Fox News, telling the pope he is stupid WRONG is Not Kosher. Cruz is not permitted to say "Nuh uh" to his Catholic Church superiors, not even to second-class clergy, like nuns -- at least, not according to (OH HEY LOOK RIGHT HERE!) Ted Cruz.

But during his address to Congress on Thursday, the pope said the death penalty is bad and wrong and violates the Sanctity o' Life, so BOO HISS AMERICA, STOP MURDERING PEOPLE. And yet, somehow, according to Mr. Ivy League Debate Skillz Cruz, that is some kind of easily dismissed hippie-dippy, hug-the-whales, save-the-trees, drive-a-hybrid papal bullcrap, because what kind of True Pro-Life Pro-Lifer doesn't believing in killing people, huh?

GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz said he disagrees with Pope Francis’ call Thursday to abolish the death penalty, calling the use of capital punishment a “recognition of the preciousness of human life.”

In an interview with POLITICO shortly after the pope’s historic address to Congress, the Texas senator said he respects Francis’ views and the Catholic Church’s teachings on the issue, but “as a policy matter, I do not agree.”

Funny how you are allowed to disagree with Church policy when your name is Ted Cruz, innit? But when your name is Any Democrat, well, you're warring on the Church and on religious freedom, and WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA, OBAMA? For Cruz, however, it's different BECAUSE IT JUST IS, and unlike the godless (or maybe secret Muslim) Obama, Cruz has a Good Reason for disagreeing with Papa Frank:

“I spent a number of years in law enforcement dealing with some of the worst criminals, child rapists and murderers, people who’ve committed unspeakable acts,” Cruz said. “I believe the death penalty is a recognition of the preciousness of human life, that for the most egregious crimes, the ultimate punishment should apply.”

Oh, so clever, that Teddy boy! It is actually pro-life to kill people, if you think they are bad people. Hey, does that mean Cruz agrees with his fellow "pro-life" activists who think it's fine and dandy to murder doctors in the name of "life" too? HMMMMMM. A serious journalist ought to ask Cruz that question sometime.

Never mind the parts of the Bible where God is like, "Yo, I get to do the vengeance, I called dibs." File that under "just kidding, like the bacon thing." Besides, maybe God snoozed through all the trials of all the rapists and all the murderers, so it's up to Real Pro-Lifers like Ted Cruz to make sure the bad guys get killed real good. For life.

Also, the pope is A Idiot, constitutional style, and thank baby Jesus he's got Cruz to lawsplain moral issues of right and wrong, according to the Tenth Amendment:

Cruz also said that whether the death penalty should be in place is an issue that should be left up to each state.

Isn't Cruz the same guy who's trying to engineer a government shutdown, in the name of defunding Planned Parenthood in all the states? Yes, obviously, duh. Because while the private matter of whether states should use taxpayer dollars to execute prisoners is none of the federal government's business, the federal matter of whether taxpayer dollars should be spent to look inside ladies' hoo-has to see if there are any strange bumps or rashes or cancer cells up in there -- well, that's entirely different. See above re: BECAUSE IT JUST IS.

Or -- Devil's advocate counter-argument -- it is not different. It is instead that Ted Cruz is just another typical hypocritical, insincere "pro-life" chunk of dried vaginal discharge, who gets a sick satisfaction out of the government's barbaric (and NOT pro-lifey) practice of murdering its citizens, sometimes inflicting excruciating pain first, because bad guys' lives don't matter one damn bit, unlike fertilized eggs inside of women's bodies. And while we don't agree with the pope's policies on reproductive rights, (1) we are not A Catholic and don't have to, and (2) shit Jesus, at least he's more consistent than supposed Good Catholic and lover of "life" Ted Cruz, who aside from campaign speeches and fundraising emails, obviously does not give a hot fuck about "life" at all.

*Ted Cruz considers himself a Southern Baptist, despite his insistence that Catholic doctrine should dictate our law.

[POLITICO]