Ted Cruz's Grubby, Foreign-Born Hands Feeling Spanky Again
Hey look, it's another person who hates Ted Cruz and his creepy, punchable face. Apparently there was a youngun' in attendance at a Cruz rally in LaPorte, Indiana, and he decided to shout his feelings at the bad Canadian man, which were "You suck!"
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/601289/drudge-siren-and-fainting-couch-some-mexican-kids-said-some-cuss-words"></a>[/wonkbar]This is a true statement. Now, Wonkette has already had to scold children today about how they're not supposed to be saying cusses and being rude to grown-ups, but fuck it. Ted Cruz totally sucks, and we encourage all children everywhere to remember what their parents taught them about Stranger Danger, in case Cruz ever tries to talk to them.
We especially encourage that, based on Cruz's response to the child:
Thank you, son. I appreciate you sharing your views. You know, hopefully one of the things somebody has told you is that children should actually speak with respect. Imagine what a different world it would be if someone told Donald Trump that years ago. In my household, when a child behaved that way, they’d get a spanking.
Ugh, he is terrible, and we need a shower now.
First of all, it's weird and gross when people who are not your real dad call you "son," unless they're saying something like "Damn, son!" Secondly, it's even MORE WEIRDER when people who are not your real dad talk about giving you spankings, unless you are a grown-ass person and that is what you are into. This, again, was a child. Tucker Carlson's Internet Website For Trans Bathroom Fantasies AKA The Daily Caller says he was a "preteen," specifically. Ted Cruz needs to NOT talk about putting his maple-syrup-jizz hands on preteen fannies, OK?
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/600658/we-are-starting-to-for-real-worry-about-ted-cruzs-wifes-well-being"></a>[/wonkbar]Unfortunately for America's virgin ears, Ted Cruz likes to talk about spankings. He spanks his daughters when they are bad, and he wants to spank Hillary Clinton for being very bad. We don't know if he gave his wife Heidi a spanking for returning the 100 cans of soup he brought home to their newlywed sex cave, but MAYBE. We also do not know if Ted Cruz ever allegedly spanked any of the ladies he allegedly screwed who were not his wife, but we bet he probably allegedly did.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/600601/ted-cruz-knows-dildos-are-slippery-slope-to-banging-your-sister"></a>[/wonkbar]We would say maybe he spanked those ladies with dildos, except for how Ted Cruz does not believe in dildos.
The point, as always, is that Ted Cruz needs to delete his fucking mouth and keep his spanky palms to himself.
[The Daily Caller viaSalon]
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.