Ted Stevens Will Be Permanent President Of Alaska

Stevens now and forever!Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is as ancient and snowy white as the craggy glaciers his people farm in the Land of the Midnight Sun. And despite the fact that he is 1,000 years old and knows nothing about the Internet and is under investigation for graft, he has boldly decided to run for re-election, again.

Stevens has served since 1968 and brought home massive amounts of pork to his nation-state of alcoholics, war veterans, and polar bears. And now he will serve for another 700 years, unless he is jailed or the mayor of Anchorage runs against him.

Stevens files for reelection [The Hill]


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