On Nov. 13, 2020, Wonkette published a very important journalism expose about the Sandwich Vans what stole the election for Joe Biden away from Donald Trump, who deserves to be dictator for life. It was a guest on the Lou Dobbs program who explained it, this is she:

Our journalism feature was in all caps because the woman on Lou Dobbs was in all caps, and her story was in all caps. We didn't look up her name, which is why we didn't win a Pulitzer for that piece. Honestly, we figured it was just Trump moron lawyer Jenna Ellis making a funny face and doing an SNL-style bit. But she explained to Dobbs that she worked a 24-hour shift at the vote-rigging center in Detroit and they were supposed to feed them but they didn't feed them and these vans that pulled up well she thought there was sandwich in them but there wasn't sandwich in them and besides you can't fit that much sandwich into one van, not for everybody who needed sandwich and did we mention she was hungry and wanted sandwich OK so in summary and in conclusion BALLOT FRAUD.

Meet Mellissa Carone with two 'L's, one of the Trump legal team's star witnesses for both day one and day two of their hearings before the Michigan legislature, where they are arguing that the entire election in Michigan was invalid because Black people voted and Trump did not win.


You have perhaps already seen the now-viral video of Carone testifying on Wednesday, probably because she was so good at testifying that you shared it with everybody you ever met. If you haven't seen it, though, watch it here, if only for the part where Rudy Giuliani tries to pull Carone back from the edge of the cliff:

You know you're living life right when Rudy Giuliani — Rudy Giuliani — nudges you while you're talking like, "OK lady, no offense, but you sound LI'L BIT BATSHIT."

Choice quote:

"That poll book? Is completely off! Completely off! I'd say that poll book is off by over 100,000. That poll book? Why don't you look at the registered voters on there? How many registered voters are on there? Do you know the answer to that? Zero. Zero. There's zero."

ZERO! ZERO registered voters, in the WHOLE OF WAYNE COUNTY!

When Republican state Rep. Steven Johnson — yes, Republican — tried to tell Carone that he simply didn't see the discrepancies in the poll books Carone appeared to be hallucinating, she slurred, "WHADDDDDDDDDJU GUYS DO? TAKE IT AND DO SUMPIN' CRAZY TO IT?" She added, "I signed something saying if I'm wrong, I can go to prison, DIDJU?"

WELL DIDJU?

Carone didn't want to be under oath. As the Daily Beast reports, after exclaiming, "I have an affidavit!" she added, "I am a mother, I have two children, I have two degrees. I don't know any woman in the world that would write an affidavit under oath just to write it." (You remember all those Trump campaign Michigan affidavits, yeah? The ones Kayleigh McEnany has been waving around on TV? The ones that were like "I saw a Black man and he was big and he looked at me"? The ones a judge has already said are absolutely full of shit?)

Carone claims she was a "contractor" for DOMINION!11!!1VOTINGMACHINEsS!!!HUGOCHAVEZ!11! though she had a pretty hard time explaining what exactly her "job" was, so who knows if that is even true? Who knows if her name is even Mellissa Carone? Maybe she is just Jenny McCarthy, in which case we are all glad she's found gainful employment. (You know, assuming she is somehow being paid out of the Trump grifter slush fund, not that we're saying she definitely is.)

HuffPost reporter Ryan Reilly shared some screengrabs of this star witness, whom Rudy Giuliani claims he just met. (No, we do not know if Rudy has tried to ask her back to his hotel room for any "shirt-tucking" yet, please stop asking.)



That last screengrab appears to reveal that Mellissa Carone is simply some loud camera-hogging idiot the Trump campaign found at a Stop The Steal rally. This is the best they got, kids.

In Carone's Tuesday testimony, she explained that she didn't like the parking arrangements for poll workers, therefore fraud:

She also made up some shit Tuesday about poll workers running batches of ballots over and over again. "Everything that happened at that TCF Center was fraud," Carone explained about the vote tabulation center in Detroit that Sidney Powell tried to use as evidence for her Wisconsin lawsuit. As Wonkette noted yesterday in our post about the first day of sideshow hearings in the Michigan lege, a judge has already looked at Carone's claims and credibility and found them to be ... what's the legal term? Oh yes, we believe the Latin term is LOLFUCKOFF.

In summary and in conclusion, Donald Trump is probably right now this second hiring this woman as a full-timer on his legal team, or maybe considering her as a replacement for Bill Barr, whom he now wants to fire for being Deep State. Wouldn't Attorney General Mellissa with Two L's be pretty great?

We'll leave you with this supercut Parker Molloy from Media Matters made, of Carone and the SNL "Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started A Conversation With At A Party" character. As you can see, it really is uncanny.

[videos via Ryan Reilly on Twitter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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