TFW Everyone Kicks You In The Nuts And You Think You're WINNING!

Who is President Babyshits gettin' rolled by today? LOL, it is EVERYONE.

Potentially, we could negotiate a deal with China where they would buy as much as our farmers can produce, and we would pay them in fortune cookies. Congratulations on potentially negotiating the yoooogest trade deal ever!

Here's Donald Trump's Five Step Plan to Bigly Win at Negotiations:

  1. Tweet mean shit about the other guy;
  2. Announce that you've won a raft of concessions;
  3. Enter negotiations;
  4. Give away the store;

Sixty percent of the time, it works all the time!

What the hell is that fool tweeting about this morning?

Oh, God! The weekend was a shitshow, and we're already like 10 loony tweets in before lunch! Luckily, Donald Trump spent two years on the campaign trail insisting that the US is getting raped by China, and only a tough guy could restore our besmirched honor. So a year into this nightmare presidency, we're already on Step 2.

Really? You convinced a country with a population of a billion people who are rapidly entering the middle class to buy more beef and soybeans? Amazing! Did you also convince them to triple their annual imports of Russian soybeans by slapping tariffs on Chinese steel, aluminum, and solar panels? And then yesterday you canceled those tariffs and put our trade war with China "on hold" because the Chinese agreed to sit down for trade talks? Well-played!

Truly, trade wars aregood and easy to win!

Here's our Joint Statement with the Chinese on all the things we've agreed to talk about.


Because when people agree to sit down and talk to you, it means WE WON!

Moving south to North Korea, where Donald Trump has A PLAN!

Unfortunately, that plan is WALL.

Specifically the Chinese should build a wall to pressure the North Koreans to hand all their nukes over to Donald Trump. Art of the deal, baby!

After shit-tweeting about Little Rocket Man for a year, Donald Trump stunned his advisors by immediately accepting an offer of a meeting with Kim Jong-Un.

"Hooray," shouted the South Koreans, "Give that man a Nobel Peace Prize!"

And there was palpable relief south of the 38th parallel, since it meant America's chief lunatic was likely to hold off on an attack that would provoke the North Koreans to vaporize Seoul in retaliation. Check out this fascinating thread on Trump's success in forcing the South Koreans to the table by scaring the shit out of them, rather than making actual progress toward North Korean denuclearization.

Here on Planet Earth, the North Koreans are not actually willing to end their nuclear program in exchange for the pleasure of Donald Trump's company in Singapore next month.

Is Donald Trump bragging that he convinced the North Koreans to dismantle a nuclear site that was destroyed in an earthquake last September? He is. No wonder his aides have such overwhelming confidence in his ability to wrest concessions from a government that knows its survival depends on nuclear deterrence. Per the New York Times,

The aides are also concerned about what kind of grasp Mr. Trump has on the details of the North Korea program, and what he must insist upon as the key components of denuclearization. Mr. Moon and his aides reported that Mr. Kim seemed highly conversant with all elements of the program when the two men met, and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has made similar comments about Mr. Kim, based on his two meetings with him in Pyongyang, the North’s capital.

But aides who have recently left the administration say Mr. Trump has resisted the kind of detailed briefings about enrichment capabilities, plutonium reprocessing, nuclear weapons production and missile programs that Mr. Obama and President George W. Bush regularly sat through.

Whatever, nerds!

Anyone else want to kick the president in the nuts?

Oh, hai Mexico and Canada! Remember the eleventy million times that Trump promised a REAL MAN would be able to renegotiate NAFTA easily?

Funny story! Turns out that every time Trump tries to wave his tiny orange junk around, Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto pretends to cough while shouting "CORN" into his man-sized fist. And while Donald Trump preens, thinking this is a comment on his withered bits, Steven Mnuchin and the rest of the actual not-idiots realize that this is a threat to slap tariffs on all the corn midwestern farmers ship south of the border during the midterm elections.

And Justin Trudeau can spot a patsy when he sees one, so he's stonewalling and telling Trump to get fucked with his steel tariffs for "national security" purposes.

Paul Ryan told Trump that he had until last week to submit a new NAFTA bill if he wanted it to come to a vote in this Congress. To which the Trump administration said, "Whatever, loser!" So now we're looking at the prospect of a "Skinny NAFTA" that essentially preserves the status quo but allows the president to go on twitter and arglebargle about his stupendous victory. Or maybe the Dealmaker in Chief will get nothing, and he can take his chances with a new, bluer Congress next fall.


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[NYT / Politico / WaPo]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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