As the old expression says, a stopped Rudy Giuliani is right twice a DERP. And Rudy Giuliani definitely fits the definition of "stopped." When he's not accidentally confessing to his client's crimes on live TV and giving seven different answers to one question in the space of five minutes on live TV, he's Deep Stating himself on Twitter by creating hyperlinks with his bad typing, which are then turned into hilarious Trump-hatin' websites by the Deep State.

All in a day of bein' Rudy!

But this is one of those few and far between times when he's right. Giuliani spoke to The Atlantic for a story about the White House's lack of a plan for confronting the upcoming report from special counsel Robert Mueller, and oh boy did he speak! Except instead of saying normal Rudy things, he just cold called his client A MORON.

Let's set the scene:

Nobody knows how the White House plans to respond to the Mueller report—including the people who work at the White House.

What? You thought all those one million times Rudy Giuliani said the White House was furiously preparing a response, and that they were halfway done with it, or three-quarters finished, or almost all the way finished but they were just waiting for the glue and glitter to dry, that they were really preparing a response? You thought when Giuliani said on August 30 that the first half was 58 pages long, and then weeks later said the whole thing was 45 pages so far, that he was talking about actual pages, as opposed to the idea of pages? OH YOU! You are cute to think that. (Jonathan Chait has put together a reverse timeline of Rudy Giuliani's statements on the mythological "White House response" to Mueller's report. It is very funny and worth your time.)

But anyway, about the White House "response" to Mueller's report, which, no matter how much time they do or do not spend on it, will basically be ALL CAPS CLOUD-YELLING about the Deep State and Mueller's imaginary "conflicts" and Witch Hunt and Peter Strzok and Bruce Ohr, just like the tweet bender Donald Trump has been on this morning and last night.

Why can't they seem to get it together? Well, have you heard about what a nightmare it was for Trump to answer the questions on the open-book test Mueller gave him on NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION? Let Rudy Giuliani tell you what a fucking moron his client is, and Rudy Giuliani knows from morons!

"Answering those questions was a nightmare," he told me. "It took him about three weeks to do what would normally take two days."

When Rudy Giuliani is #JustSaying you're kind of an idiot ...

Apparently Trump doesn't have the attention span to focus on things like that, because he's upset about caravans and the Paul Manafort case (he's really upset about that, because if Paul Manafort can't commit a thousand crimes before breakfast every day, that's a slippery slope to saying Donald Trump can't commit a thousand crimes before breakfast every day).

According to The Atlantic's sources, there's no reason to try to create a real counter-response, because Trump is too much of a dipshit to actually follow any plan they create ...

"It's like, 'Jesus, take the wheel,'" the source added, "but scarier."

... and besides, making a plan would mean confronting the fact that there is a problem, and Donald Trump doesn't confront problems, he hides from them under the covers while he obsessively sniffs Big Mac wrappers and poops himself, ALLEGEDLY.

Attempting to plan "would mean you would have to have an honest conversation about what might be coming," a former senior White House official, who requested anonymity to speak freely, told me.

So basically the White House's plan is to do nothing and let Trump yelp on Twitter while they're taking Jared 'n' Junior away in handcuffs.

For Giuliani, letting Trump guide the response post-report may not be ideal, but "I don't think there's anyone in the world that can stop Donald Trump from tweeting," he acknowledged. "I've tried."

And when a CYBER-SECURITY EXPERT like Rudy Giuliani can't get him to stop tweeting ...

If you're simply dying for more words from Rudy Giuliani, you're a weirdass, but the Washington Post's Jacqueline Alemany spoke with him on the phone during an Acela ride. Luckily she happened to have two former white collar prosecutors sitting across from her, to fact-check Giuliani's shit in real time.

As for Trump, we mentioned it above, but have you noticed that Grandpa is extra batshit on Twitter right now? He's scared as fuck, and he's acting like he's cornered. (Which we find funny, because just knowing that Donald Trump is having a shitty day gives us a spring in our step!)

Today we are expecting Robert Mueller filings on Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, so maybe that's what's got him curled up in a ball on the floor like the fucking loser he is crying and tweeting. Or maybe it's more than that!

Guess we'll have to see! It's a Friday in Trump's America, which means it's a Friday in Robert Mueller's America.


[The Atlantic]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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