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As the old expression says, a stopped Rudy Giuliani is right twice a DERP. And Rudy Giuliani definitely fits the definition of "stopped." When he's not accidentally confessing to his client's crimes on live TV and giving seven different answers to one question in the space of five minutes on live TV, he's Deep Stating himself on Twitter by creating hyperlinks with his bad typing, which are then turned into hilarious Trump-hatin' websites by the Deep State.

All in a day of bein' Rudy!

But this is one of those few and far between times when he's right. Giuliani spoke to The Atlantic for a story about the White House's lack of a plan for confronting the upcoming report from special counsel Robert Mueller, and oh boy did he speak! Except instead of saying normal Rudy things, he just cold called his client A MORON.


Let's set the scene:

Nobody knows how the White House plans to respond to the Mueller report—including the people who work at the White House.

What? You thought all those one million times Rudy Giuliani said the White House was furiously preparing a response, and that they were halfway done with it, or three-quarters finished, or almost all the way finished but they were just waiting for the glue and glitter to dry, that they were really preparing a response? You thought when Giuliani said on August 30 that the first half was 58 pages long, and then weeks later said the whole thing was 45 pages so far, that he was talking about actual pages, as opposed to the idea of pages? OH YOU! You are cute to think that. (Jonathan Chait has put together a reverse timeline of Rudy Giuliani's statements on the mythological "White House response" to Mueller's report. It is very funny and worth your time.)

But anyway, about the White House "response" to Mueller's report, which, no matter how much time they do or do not spend on it, will basically be ALL CAPS CLOUD-YELLING about the Deep State and Mueller's imaginary "conflicts" and Witch Hunt and Peter Strzok and Bruce Ohr, just like the tweet bender Donald Trump has been on this morning and last night.

Why can't they seem to get it together? Well, have you heard about what a nightmare it was for Trump to answer the questions on the open-book test Mueller gave him on NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION? Let Rudy Giuliani tell you what a fucking moron his client is, and Rudy Giuliani knows from morons!

"Answering those questions was a nightmare," he told me. "It took him about three weeks to do what would normally take two days."

When Rudy Giuliani is #JustSaying you're kind of an idiot ...

Apparently Trump doesn't have the attention span to focus on things like that, because he's upset about caravans and the Paul Manafort case (he's really upset about that, because if Paul Manafort can't commit a thousand crimes before breakfast every day, that's a slippery slope to saying Donald Trump can't commit a thousand crimes before breakfast every day).

According to The Atlantic's sources, there's no reason to try to create a real counter-response, because Trump is too much of a dipshit to actually follow any plan they create ...

"It's like, 'Jesus, take the wheel,'" the source added, "but scarier."

... and besides, making a plan would mean confronting the fact that there is a problem, and Donald Trump doesn't confront problems, he hides from them under the covers while he obsessively sniffs Big Mac wrappers and poops himself, ALLEGEDLY.

Attempting to plan "would mean you would have to have an honest conversation about what might be coming," a former senior White House official, who requested anonymity to speak freely, told me.

So basically the White House's plan is to do nothing and let Trump yelp on Twitter while they're taking Jared 'n' Junior away in handcuffs.

For Giuliani, letting Trump guide the response post-report may not be ideal, but "I don't think there's anyone in the world that can stop Donald Trump from tweeting," he acknowledged. "I've tried."

And when a CYBER-SECURITY EXPERT like Rudy Giuliani can't get him to stop tweeting ...

If you're simply dying for more words from Rudy Giuliani, you're a weirdass, but the Washington Post's Jacqueline Alemany spoke with him on the phone during an Acela ride. Luckily she happened to have two former white collar prosecutors sitting across from her, to fact-check Giuliani's shit in real time.

As for Trump, we mentioned it above, but have you noticed that Grandpa is extra batshit on Twitter right now? He's scared as fuck, and he's acting like he's cornered. (Which we find funny, because just knowing that Donald Trump is having a shitty day gives us a spring in our step!)

Today we are expecting Robert Mueller filings on Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, so maybe that's what's got him curled up in a ball on the floor like the fucking loser he is crying and tweeting. Or maybe it's more than that!

Guess we'll have to see! It's a Friday in Trump's America, which means it's a Friday in Robert Mueller's America.

("LAW & ORDER" SOUND EFFECT DUN DUN!)

[The Atlantic]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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