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Michael Cohen, you handsome devil! COME ON DOWN! Let's lawsplain that Information and Plea Agreement you entered into yesterday. And since it's Friday (and we are FRIED-AY, ba-dum-TSSS), let's do it Top 5 Style.

1. Says Who?

Back in August, Michael Cohen walked into the federal courthouse in Manhattan and pleaded guilty to various tax and campaign finance violations. But he wasn't yet a cooperating witness with a deal. He still had to spend a lot of quality time spilling his guts to Robert Mueller and a whole bevy of law men from various federal agencies.

Do you know how hard it is to coordinate schedules for Stan and Angela from FINCEN, Steve, Mike and Susan from the IRS, five faceless dudes from CIA, a minyan from SDNY who take off half of September for some kind of holiday, and FIFTEEN ANGRY DEMOCRATS from the Special Counsel's Office?


But they finally managed to get it done. And after a one million hour proffer session, Michael Cohen managed to tell the government about almost all the crimes in Trumpland. ALLEGEDLY. So now he's pleading to a Level 4 Offense, and the government will agree to recommend a two-level sentencing reduction, which puts him at 0-6 months.

Assuming Cohen plays it straight, unlike Paul Manafort, it's all upside for him. He was already going to jail for years for crimes he pleaded to in August, and having Robert Mueller tell the judge what a very good boy he's been might shave some time off what he already owes the government.

2. But Isn't Cohen a Total Liar?

Indeed, he is. Readers of this here mommyblog spent two whole years watching him lie his ass off about the various misadventures of Donald Trump's wandering wiener, his hinky finances, and all the Russians in Trumpland. If Michael Cohen told you today was Friday (TG!), you'd seek a second opinion. So why is he getting such a sweetheart deal from Robert Mueller?

Well, the guy does tend to keep receipts. He sends incriminating text messages to guys like Felix Sater talking about getting Putin on board with building the Trump Tower Moscow, as published in Buzzfeed.

He sends text messages to "opposing" counsel coordinating appearances of porn stars on Fox "News" to help a presidential campaign.

He tape records HIS OWN BOSS talking about using corporate money to buy damaging stories from the National Enquirer in violation of campaign finance law. If Mueller intends to use the testimony of a guy who's pleading guilty to lying to Congress, you can be damn sure he's got the receipts.

Case in point, this description of Cohen's phone call with Putin spokesman Dmitry Peskov's assistant.

Let's take a wild shot in the dark that Mueller's not relying on Michael Cohen's memory alone when he puts in a court filing, "Assistant 1 asked detailed questions and took notes, stating that she would follow up with others in Russia."

3. But What About Meatball?

Matthew Whitaker may be a hacky idiot who sells Big Dick Johns and flogs inventor scams, but he's not CRAZY. And he was a federal prosecutor, so, unlike the Trumpland incompetents, he's unlikely to stumble into a major crime by accident -- like, say massive violation of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, for example. We're betting his first day at DOJ went something like this.

media1.giphy.com

The DOJ has steadfastly refused to answer questions about the internal ethics opinion on Whitaker's recusal, causing prominent lawyers to assume that he was already sticking a shiv in the Mueller investigation.

But what if, faced with a sea of dumpster fires, Meatball did some back of the napkin calculation and worked out that a future Democratic AG/Congress/Senate might take a harsh view of a man who barged in and put his meat paws all over the biggest criminal investigation in 50 years. A future Attorney General Newsom might even characterize it as OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. Perhaps Whitaker looked at the DOJ's skeptical evaluation of his ethical position and decided to keep his head down and wait out the storm, as Jeff Sessions had done before him. Because if Fox News doesn't tell the Couch Potato in Chief that his Acting AG recused, did it ever really happen?

All that is speculation, of course. But this is not.

That's Michael Cohen expressly agreeing to let all further proceedings against him take place in the Sovereign Southern District of New York. Does Meatball want to travel to New York in the winter? NAH.

4. Donald Trump, Call Your Lawyer! (Not Rudy, A Real One.)

You, too, DJ! Rudy Giuliani shared his #Thoughts on Michael Cohen's reliability with NPR.

"Michael Cohen is a liar," Giuliani said. "It's no surprise that Cohen lied to Congress. He's a proven liar who is doing everything he can to get out of a long-term prison sentence for serious crimes of bank and tax fraud that had nothing to do with the Trump Organization."

Interestingly, Giuliani told the New York Times that Trump's recent answers to Mueller's questions lined up perfectly with THAT LIAR Michael Cohen's.

"The president said there was a proposal, it was discussed with Cohen, there was a nonbinding letter of intent and it didn't go beyond that," said Rudolph W. Giuliani, one of Mr. Trump's lawyers, who with others negotiated the president's responses to Mr. Mueller's questions for nearly a year. He said prosecutors did not raise certain details that Mr. Cohen now says he misled Congress about — including how long the hotel project stayed alive — and that the president did not volunteer those details.

Assume for the moment that the president was actually truthful in his answers to Mueller -- it could happen. But do his answers line up with those of his dipshit son, who testified before Congress that the Trump Tower Moscow project "died of deal fatigue" in 2015? Because if they don't, someone is in deep shit right now.

5. So, Now What?

Now we wait. But Mueller's got Cohen's cooperation, he's got whatever information he gleaned from Manafort before their deal went south, he's got Flynn, he's got Sater (who is clearly talking), he's got Trump Org CFO Allen Weisselberg, he's got David Pecker, he's got Dylan Howard, he's got Maria Butina, he's got RIck Gates, and he's got every piece of digital data these idiots ever touched. AND THAT'S JUST THE PART THE PUBLIC KNOWS ABOUT. If we had to guess, we'd say Mueller's got Don Jr. by the short and curlies, too, but only time will tell.

This was a good week. Wonkette, out.

[Cohen Information / Cohen Plea Agreement / NPR / New York Times]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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