That Gross Milo Guy Has Some Hilarious Satire For You About WAIT COME BACK!
If there is any comedic arena in which even we must admit that conservatives have us beat, it is for sure satire. They are so good at it, in fact, that the majority of the time it does not even seem like it is satire! Or even like it's supposed to be funny! This is probably why shows like "The 1/2 Hour News Hour" got canceled so quickly and movies like "An American Carol" failed at the box office -- because they were so brilliant that no one was smart enough to like them. They just flew right over our heads!
In a "satirical" essay over at Dead Breitbart's Internet Clubhouse For NO GURLZ ALOWWED, Max Headroom impersonator Milo Yiannopoulos suggests that women should be exiled from the internet, so that said internet can be a safe space for men to be their manly selves without having to worry about women annoying them by not liking it when they are harassed. Or something to that effect.
Time for some honesty. Women are — and you won’t hear this anywhere else — screwing up the internet for men by invading every space we have online and ruining it with attention-seeking and a needy, demanding, touchy-feely form of modern feminism that quickly comes into conflict with men’s natural tendency to be boisterous, confrontational and delightfully autistic.
See? You probably don't get where this is satire either. For instance, were you or I to attempt to write a "satire" making this point that he is trying to make, about how emotionally fragile women are ruining the internet for the menfolk, we would probably go a different direction altogether! We would suggest that men leave the internet, in some form of sexless Lysistrata-type protest, which would naturally cause all the ladies to mourn super hard because they had no one left to complain about. Also we probably wouldn't try to make the point that "safe spaces" are bad by declaring our need for the entire internet to be a safe space for jerks. Oh, wait, excuse me, "boisterous, confrontational and delightfully autistic" men.
The worst thing about women, he goes on to explain, is that women do not like it when men are rude to them.
Men have had enough of third-wave feminism’s incessant and pathetic whinging about everything from gender pronouns to this bizarre “online harassment” craze — or “cyber-violence,” as they sometimes bizarrely call it. Women are upset at men being rude to them, and feel “oppressed,” we are told, whenever they are treated on equal terms as men in the maelstrom of trolling that is social media.
FAIR POINT. Most women probably do not stop and consider how deeply they can wound a man by being unreceptive to his rudeness. Or anyone's rudeness, for that matter! For some reason, women -- and lots of men these days, frankly -- are often insulted when someone insults them. Perhaps Milo should consider writing an etiquette book in which he explains the polite response to being insulted, so that we can all try to do better. For instance, if some dude on the internet says I am a hideous monster who should die in a fire, should I thank him, or should I congratulate him on being super hilarious and clever? I am honestly not sure which!
Here’s my suggestion to fix the gender wars online: Women should just log off. Given that men built the internet, along with the rest of modern civilisation, I think it’s only fair that they get to keep it. And given what a miserable time women are having on the web, surely they would welcome an abrupt exit. They could go back to bridge tournaments, or wellness workshops, or swapping apple crumble recipes, or whatever it is women do in their spare time.
I, Donald Trump and the rest of the alpha males will continue to dominate the internet without feminist whining. It will be fun! Like a big fraternity, with jokes and memes and no more worrying about whether an off-colour but harmless remark will suddenly torpedo your career.
Huh! Now, this is interesting, actually! Because I would think that such tough, strong, manly men would not be so easily felled by "feminist whining." That they would confidently be their super cool alpha-male selves without worrying about what we think! Because somehow, I -- a delicate flower of a woman who naturally enjoys swapping apple crumble recipes in a safe space, like you do -- manage to not be bothered by whatever people like Milo Yiannopolous might think of me. In fact, it is something I do not even consider save for the purposes of maniacal laughter.
Also, one would think that a self-described libertarian would actually say that a company ought to have the right to fire someone for any reason they like, and that this would include causing consumers to not want to frequent their place of business. Or, in the case of those who are paid to give their opinions, that "the free market" would naturally weed out those whose ideas resonate less with people. Heck! Even a socialist like me wouldn't suggest that everyone ought to have the right to get paid for their opinions.
He then went on to explain how maybe ladies could have their own internet, where, he says, they can not hate their bodies without hurting the feelings of men who would prefer that they did. Unfortunately, we also get Ben Shapiro. Ew.
Naturally, Anita Sarkeesian, Amanda Marcotte, Jessica Valenti, Trigglypuff and every other whiny body-positive Tumblr feminist would be relegated to the female internet. We could probably throw in all of the low-T male feminists too, since they haven’t got any balls anyway. And the pedophile apologists at Salon… after we castrate them. Ben Shapiro’s blog can be repurposed to serve the new “white knight community” on FemWeb.
We’ll give the female internet Tumblr, Pinterest and body positivity blogs. Judging by their financial reports, Gawker, Buzzfeed, and Salon will be dead by the time this actually happens, so no need to worry about allocating them a home. The likes of National Review and any other cucked old Republican stiffs can sod off, too.
AH! Makes sense! That way, Milo and friends can safely tweet things like this without fear of being shamed for simply trying to shame people whose bodies they disapprove of.
He then explains that the ladies will actually hate this more because it will cause them to realize that women are the real misogynists after all, and come to appreciate the awesomeness of men who spend their time crying about how it's unfair that they can't be jerks without people thinking they're jerks. And that trans people won't be allowed to use either the male or the female internet, but won't be bothered by this anyway because "they’re generally too busy hacking away at their forearms to remember to check Gmail." The Breitbart commentariat got a real kick out of that line, because laughing at the idea of people cutting themselves is a really good time for normal human beings, and the mark of a true comedy genius is the ability to comfort the comfortable and afflict the afflicted.
The male internet, unlike this one we currently have, will of course be a true bastion of free speech. Except for men who do not agree with Milo Yiannopolous, in which case they will have to be banned and forced to undergo surgery.
Though the male internet will largely be free, as the internet should be, a strike system will be in place. Every cucky comment will result in a strike, and offenders who have reached the maximum score of three will be given compulsory transition surgery and forced to join the female internet.
At this point, surely, you are fabulously impressed by what good satire this is! So, as with any quality satire, Milo then explains that he is doing the satire.
This is all barking mad, of course, but what it illustrates is that feminism never brings men and women together in equality. it drives the sexes apart through acrimony, constant suspicion and antagonism like “teach men not to rape” and illogical generalities and conspiracy theories like the “patriarchy.”
Because as insane as my suggestion sounds, it’s genuinely the best recipe for harmony between the sexes until women can stop lying about “abuse” and “harassment” or at least learn to take it as well as dish it out. And if you have to choose between men getting internet connections and women, well. We want to get to Mars, don’t we?
I sure don't! Because that's where men are from! In fact, "feminism" isn't about equal rights at all. It has always really only been about one thing, and that one thing is preventing Milo Yiannopolous from getting to go to Mars. Because life on earth would simply be excruciating without him.
Of course, none of this would even be necessary if women hadn't gone and ruined all the bars and golf-clubs by going to them.
Society worked well when men and women had their own hobbies, time apart and places to go, in which to let off steam. But thrust together constantly, it simply doesn’t work — especially if feminism has systematically infiltrated or shut down male-only spaces like golf clubs and pubs, leaving men with no outlet but online comment sections.
Yes, surely there is certainly nothing manly alpha males hate more than going into a bar and seeing women there. UGH. Girl cooties. They are for sure the worst.
Now, while I may not be smart enough to get Milo's humor, I do feel his pain (after all, I am a woman. We feel things. Deep things.). So perhaps it is he who ought to consider taking some time off the internet, and retreat to a safe space of some kind, until he is emotionally resilient enough to deal with such blows to his self-worth as women not liking it when he insults them, and people he does not find attractive not hating themselves enough for his taste.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse