That Intern Looks Tasty, I Think I'll Have That

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: Who do I fuck to get money?

So, what do you think about Pelosi shitting the bed on the whole Armenian thing? What an idiot, right?

Um, well, I guess I'd start with we're only like 100 years late on condemning that shit. I mean, let's be frank, it was a genocide. It was bad. It was a bad thing we probably should've, like, fucking said something about when the people were actually dying, as opposed to now. So, it's sorta like saying the Holocaust was really bad, or the pogroms in Russian were bad, or apartheid was bad -- which they were -- only really, really late.

And, obviously, it's not like there's some sort of lobbying group dedicated to getting such a resolution passed or anything.

So, is it maybe bad for relations with Turkey? Yeah, they're obviously taking offense. Is this maybe the first time in, like, 15 years that anyone has paid attention to anything that's come out of the House International Relations turned Foreign Affairs Committee? Definitely. But, hey, look. This bill didn't come out of nowhere. It's been around for ages and ages, and it certainly fits into the whole Democratic party ideal of passing good stuff that never got through a Republican Congress, regardless of whether it has the serious potential to fuck up foreign policy (which, if you know anything about, like, the Constitution and foreign policy, is maybe why this originated in the House instead of the Senate).

On the other hand, it's pretty well acknowledged that the White House (and many of the Administration) intergovernmental affairs people are perhaps the shittiest "lobbyists" in all of Washington. If it was a bunch of private sector people monitoring it (like, maybe the registered lobbyists of the country of Turkey), they would have know what the House Committee was talking about, and they would have been there every other day. The fact that the Committee has to actually pass the bill before the Administration does/says anything means two things. Either they didn't fucking know (see: shitty intergovernmental affairs staff), which, oh my God, seriously incompetent and unwilling to talk to the party in control of the legislative branch of our fucking government; or they knew and didn't care beyond their ability to message it to the media after the fact and try to score political points off of it. If you want to suspend some disbelief and eliminate the possibility of utter incompetence (which, then, you're a better person than me), then your options are twofold: either the whole Turkey-is-going-to-kill-all-the-Kurds-and-fuck-us-worse-in-Iraq is actually a possibility, which the Administration is about to let happen because of an urge to score political points; or that whole talking point is bullshit (or, the Administration, through their own incompetence, thought it was). It's up to you. But, either way, I don't think it's Pelosi's clusterfuck, for once.

Who cares about anything good getting done? I want to know what is the scummiest thing you have actually seen go on in and around those hallowed halls.

I mean, my valuation of the highest rung of douchebaggery frankly changes by the day and my mood. I think -- and I don't fool myself that this is limited to Capitol Hill -- that the intern pursuit is pretty awful. I mean, not that everyone single girl who comes here is some wide-eyed innocent from some Nebraskan cornfield (shit, I'll bet some of those girls could teach me some tricks), but the weird, creepy assholes who basically live from intern season to intern season without any ass because they don't know how to get some girl to fuck them if she's lived here for more than 4 months or is older than 23. I mean, that shit's sort of a weird, creepy subculture on Capitol Hill among a certain type of legislative staffer (or, occasionally, a Member) that just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Is there any amount of money/influence that could come of someone sleeping with [a schlubby, left-wing lobbyist who is probably a nice person and doesn't deserve the ridicule to follow] that would make it worth it?

Well, leaving aside the guy that I redacted because even I'm not that mean, I don't fuck men for money/influence. Anyone who does is seriously mistaken about what doing so can get you. I mean, if you're relatively lucky, fucking someone can get you, like, good sex, or intimacy or something like that. But, really, it's a crapshoot if it's going to get you money/influence. It reportedly happens on occasion, but I ain't willing to guarantee that that's not just gossip spread by the type of prick who would like to con chicks that wouldn't otherwise fuck him into bed by promising them money/influence. You might be able to sleep your way to the top, but I've fucked enough people who have fucked enough other people to know that, for men, in the end, 'tang is 'tang. It's like pizza -- even the bad stuff isn't "bad." So, unless you're a Cirque du Soleil performer, nothing you got is going to be anything anyone else doesn't have, if it's just casual sex, and thus it isn't going to net you power or influence. So, my advice is just to fuck for the good sex, or the intimacy, or the relationship, and screw the rest of it.


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