Last night, on MSNBC, either the stupidest thing in the world or the best thing in the world happened. Or maybe it was both. For some reason, nice host Ari Melber thought it would be fun to get four of the biggest idiots to ever be investigated or called as witnesses in the Robert Mueller investigation, and make them FIGHT!

Of course, we are a normal all-American boy who likes apple pie and watching violence on TV, so we were sitting there with popcorn like "MAKE BLOOD HAPPEN!" and "FOUR WILL ENTER! NONE WILL LEAVE!" But don't worry, all the dipshits you see in the picture above are still alive, and they left with their brains in whatever conditions they were in when they got there, so thoughts and prayers for Carter Page and Jerome Corsi. As you can see above, the other guests were Sam Nunberg, who has a total thing about going on MSNBC and making shitshows happen, and Michael Caputo, who is important because we forget why. Oh yeah, he was a Trump campaign comms adviser who hooked Roger Stone up with one of his swarthy Russians!

What follows is a video, which you should watch in full, and an abridged transcript, which is actually not a transcript, but rather a Wonkette version of what we live-tweeted while it was airing:

Watch: Ari Melber's Interview With 4 Key Mueller Witnesses | The Beat With Ari Melber | MSNBC

MELBER: Hi, I'm Ari Melber! I say hip-hop lyrics a lot, and I am either doing this because I hate myself, or I love myself!

CAPUTO: Michael Cohen is an inveterate liar! That we all used to be best friendsies with! Also a BIIIIG SLUT.

PAGE: Hi, i'm batshit! I'm going to say words a lot and even Jerome Corsi is gonna look at me like "the fuck is this guy?" a few times during this interview, and he's the guy who started that birther conspiracy LOLOLOL BRB GOING TO MOSCOW TO GET TURNED BY MORE SPIES!

MELBER: Is the Mueller probe a witch hunt?

CORSI: Show me the birth certificate!



NUNBERG: Yes ... and also NO. I am Sam Nunberg, and I have brought some surprises inside my sleeve!

CORSI: I am going to sue Robert Mueller for ELEVENTY GABILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS, and I'm going to win, because I have a SUPERLAWYER, and his name is Larry Klayman! Just kidding, I am going to lose.

MELBER: Are the Mueller indictments fair?

CORSI: Maybe Paul Manafort was li'l bit hinky with his taxes?

NUNBERG: Yeah they're totally fair. Fuckin' criminals, all of 'em. Wait, what am I saying? WHO AM I?

CAPUTO: Sure, if we're off in some liberal la-la land where committing crimes is a CRIME.

PAGE: I'm just waiting for Hillary Clinton to get indicted for murdering me with Vince Foster!

MELBER: Show me on the doll where Robert Mueller hurt you.

CORSI: I wrote a book about my pain! He beat me!

NUNBERG: [smirking] Jesus Christ, why am I sitting next to this nutbag?

NUNBERG: It was fine. They're prosecutors. You are familiar with my former complaints about the Mueller probe, as I died of a literal meltdown about them on this very TV show. But it's OK, I got better.

CAPUTO: It was like that thing where the doctor puts THINGS in your BUTT.

PAGE: I am actually crazy, so I think the Mueller investigators are secretly QAnon people who are on my side. But don't tell anyone, TRUST THE PLAN.

CAPUTO: The crazy one's not wrong.

NUNBERG: That's ... what investigators do, guys?

CAPUTO: No Russia, no Russia! Anyway, I used to live there and I worked for the Kremlin and that's normal.

MELBER: Let's talk about Roger Stone.

roger stone

CORSI: He beat me!

NUNBERG: You are an insane shitbag.

CORSI: When I am done winning ELEVENTY GABILLION DOLLARS from Robert Mueller, I am going to sue Roger Stone and Alex Jones, because they used to be my friends but they are not my friends anymore sadface :(

CAPUTO: Robert Mueller is a total Heather who stole Jerome Corsi's friends and made them hate him! He does this to EVERYBODY, like OMG you should hear what Robert Mueller said about Becky.

MELBER: Becky?

CAPUTO: Anyway, I also too think Jerome Corsi is an insane shitbag who says mean things about Roger Stone and ruins his "reputation," because I am a person who thinks Roger Stone has a good "reputation," rather than just being a liar with a gross-shaped head.

NUNBERG: Guys, you do realize we all ended up caught up in this investigation because of Roger Stone, right?

PAGE: I am spying for Russia right now!

MELBER: Did Roger Stone collude with Russia?

NUNBERG: Girl, he WISHES he did.

NUNBERG: Yeah, anyway, Roger Stone is a bad guy and I exhibited extraordinarily poor judgment when I called him my daddy. Also, I incognito believe the Robert Mueller investigation is fully legit and am getting a little creeped out just sitting here. Wasn't that weird when Trump gave classified intel to the Russians in the Oval Office the day after he fired James Comey? PRETTY FUCKED, RIGHT?

MELBER: Hoo boy, you've changed!

CORSI: Yes, well, if Barack Obama would just provide me the LONG FORM BERTH-TIFICATE! Nobody's ever seen it!

PAGE: The Deep State ate my baby! Robert Mueller stole my Russian spy friends! I see dead people!


We are not going to joke transcribe this whole entire interview, because that would take too long. But that's how it went. It was insane and it was wonderful, and at the end we were ready for Ari Melber to hand them over to Ellen DeGeneres, so she could put them on her "Game of Games" show and press her magic button and launch them all into outer space, never to be heard from again.

In other words, we enjoyed it very much, GOOD SHOW, ARI MELBER!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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