Last night, on MSNBC, either the stupidest thing in the world or the best thing in the world happened. Or maybe it was both. For some reason, nice host Ari Melber thought it would be fun to get four of the biggest idiots to ever be investigated or called as witnesses in the Robert Mueller investigation, and make them FIGHT!

Of course, we are a normal all-American boy who likes apple pie and watching violence on TV, so we were sitting there with popcorn like "MAKE BLOOD HAPPEN!" and "FOUR WILL ENTER! NONE WILL LEAVE!" But don't worry, all the dipshits you see in the picture above are still alive, and they left with their brains in whatever conditions they were in when they got there, so thoughts and prayers for Carter Page and Jerome Corsi. As you can see above, the other guests were Sam Nunberg, who has a total thing about going on MSNBC and making shitshows happen, and Michael Caputo, who is important because we forget why. Oh yeah, he was a Trump campaign comms adviser who hooked Roger Stone up with one of his swarthy Russians!

What follows is a video, which you should watch in full, and an abridged transcript, which is actually not a transcript, but rather a Wonkette version of what we live-tweeted while it was airing:

Watch: Ari Melber's Interview With 4 Key Mueller Witnesses | The Beat With Ari Melber | MSNBC

MELBER: Hi, I'm Ari Melber! I say hip-hop lyrics a lot, and I am either doing this because I hate myself, or I love myself!

CAPUTO: Michael Cohen is an inveterate liar! That we all used to be best friendsies with! Also a BIIIIG SLUT.

PAGE: Hi, i'm batshit! I'm going to say words a lot and even Jerome Corsi is gonna look at me like "the fuck is this guy?" a few times during this interview, and he's the guy who started that birther conspiracy LOLOLOL BRB GOING TO MOSCOW TO GET TURNED BY MORE SPIES!

MELBER: Is the Mueller probe a witch hunt?

CORSI: Show me the birth certificate!



NUNBERG: Yes ... and also NO. I am Sam Nunberg, and I have brought some surprises inside my sleeve!

CORSI: I am going to sue Robert Mueller for ELEVENTY GABILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS, and I'm going to win, because I have a SUPERLAWYER, and his name is Larry Klayman! Just kidding, I am going to lose.

MELBER: Are the Mueller indictments fair?

CORSI: Maybe Paul Manafort was li'l bit hinky with his taxes?

NUNBERG: Yeah they're totally fair. Fuckin' criminals, all of 'em. Wait, what am I saying? WHO AM I?

CAPUTO: Sure, if we're off in some liberal la-la land where committing crimes is a CRIME.

PAGE: I'm just waiting for Hillary Clinton to get indicted for murdering me with Vince Foster!

MELBER: Show me on the doll where Robert Mueller hurt you.

CORSI: I wrote a book about my pain! He beat me!

NUNBERG: [smirking] Jesus Christ, why am I sitting next to this nutbag?

NUNBERG: It was fine. They're prosecutors. You are familiar with my former complaints about the Mueller probe, as I died of a literal meltdown about them on this very TV show. But it's OK, I got better.

CAPUTO: It was like that thing where the doctor puts THINGS in your BUTT.

PAGE: I am actually crazy, so I think the Mueller investigators are secretly QAnon people who are on my side. But don't tell anyone, TRUST THE PLAN.

CAPUTO: The crazy one's not wrong.

NUNBERG: That's ... what investigators do, guys?

CAPUTO: No Russia, no Russia! Anyway, I used to live there and I worked for the Kremlin and that's normal.

MELBER: Let's talk about Roger Stone.

roger stone

CORSI: He beat me!

NUNBERG: You are an insane shitbag.

CORSI: When I am done winning ELEVENTY GABILLION DOLLARS from Robert Mueller, I am going to sue Roger Stone and Alex Jones, because they used to be my friends but they are not my friends anymore sadface :(

CAPUTO: Robert Mueller is a total Heather who stole Jerome Corsi's friends and made them hate him! He does this to EVERYBODY, like OMG you should hear what Robert Mueller said about Becky.

MELBER: Becky?

CAPUTO: Anyway, I also too think Jerome Corsi is an insane shitbag who says mean things about Roger Stone and ruins his "reputation," because I am a person who thinks Roger Stone has a good "reputation," rather than just being a liar with a gross-shaped head.

NUNBERG: Guys, you do realize we all ended up caught up in this investigation because of Roger Stone, right?

PAGE: I am spying for Russia right now!

MELBER: Did Roger Stone collude with Russia?

NUNBERG: Girl, he WISHES he did.

NUNBERG: Yeah, anyway, Roger Stone is a bad guy and I exhibited extraordinarily poor judgment when I called him my daddy. Also, I incognito believe the Robert Mueller investigation is fully legit and am getting a little creeped out just sitting here. Wasn't that weird when Trump gave classified intel to the Russians in the Oval Office the day after he fired James Comey? PRETTY FUCKED, RIGHT?

MELBER: Hoo boy, you've changed!

CORSI: Yes, well, if Barack Obama would just provide me the LONG FORM BERTH-TIFICATE! Nobody's ever seen it!

PAGE: The Deep State ate my baby! Robert Mueller stole my Russian spy friends! I see dead people!


We are not going to joke transcribe this whole entire interview, because that would take too long. But that's how it went. It was insane and it was wonderful, and at the end we were ready for Ari Melber to hand them over to Ellen DeGeneres, so she could put them on her "Game of Games" show and press her magic button and launch them all into outer space, never to be heard from again.

In other words, we enjoyed it very much, GOOD SHOW, ARI MELBER!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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