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STORY TIME!

A couple weeks back, EVERYBODY started getting this tip, from a woman who allegedly wanted to tell reporters that some weird gross idiots were offering her money and credit card debt relief and possibly a timeshare to sign a lie affidavit saying Robert Mueller grossed on her when they worked together. THE FUCK YOU SAY?

But who were the idiots? Well, we'd be remiss not to start with a quick cast of characters before we tell you this EPIC SAGA of a very stupid story in which everybody MIIIGHT go DIRECTLY TO JAIL:


Dramatis personæ

Jack Burkman, he is this GOP dirty trickster who by all available evidence doesn't seem all that bright. Years ago, he was briefly Wonkette-famous when he, who liked to proposition ladies on MySpace and offer them money to let him do fuck boners to them at the Mayflower Hotel, also appeared on the DC Madam's list of men who ... offer ladies money to let him do fuck boners to them. (He was working for the Family Research Council at the time!)

More recently he was caught with his own dick in his mouth (or trying to bend over that far, at least) when it turned out he was a big part of promulgating the Kremlin-style conspiracy that former DNC staffer Seth Rich was murdered by Hillary Clinton because he leaked those DNC emails, thus proving that Russia is innocent of all charges past, present and future. (Burkman's role in that story is super fucked up, please read it.)

Strangely enough, earlier this year, Burkman publicly offered a financial reward for any information about untoward behavior in the investigation into Trump's ties with Russia. And he wants gays banned from playing in the NFL, because that's a normal thing for a person to want. He even wrote a bill about it!

Jacob Wohl is approximately puberty years old and calls himself the World's Littlest Hedge Funder, but is really more the World's Littlest Fraudster. He is known for obsessively replying to Donald Trump's tweets, and he is mildly Twitter-famous for posting surely very real stories about how every time he goes into "hipster coffee shops" in LA there are always black guys or libs or young Democratic lesbian witches mumbling under their breath about how awesome they think Donald Trump is. Wanna read a hilarious story about Jacob Wohl? Here's one.

Other characters will be introduced as our play progresses.

Act One: Meet This Lady!

As Chris Geidner and Zoe Tillman explain at BuzzFeed, this story started to rumble around in public on Monday night, when Jacob Wohl tweeted this:

WHOA IF TRUE, except it's almost certainly not, because Jacob Wohl is full of shit!

Another young whippersnapper, an investigative journalist named Scott Stedman, replied to Jacob Wohl saying, in essence, "Uh yeah, people are aware of your bullshit, which is completely bullshit."

Stedman said he had talked to the woman, but that he found her unreliable, but also that he talked to the guy who was offering to pay her. Big plot twist here, but that guy claims to have been working for ... Jack Burkman! The dude told Stedman, "Yeah bro, I am paying the ladies to say some lies about Robert Mueller, and then maybe I will offer them more money to have sex with Jack Burkman at the Mayflower Hotel, LOLOLOL I KID!" (That is a quote Wonkette made up.)

BuzzFeed reports that the lady was contacted yesterday by somebody with a "Russian or Eastern European" accent, who said it was her last chance to take the deal. She did not take the deal. (But it sounds like somebody might have! Foreshadowing!)

BuzzFeed got the email from the lady. New York mag's Yashar Ali got the email from the lady. Like we said, EVERYBODY got the email from the lady. (Here is a link to look at the one BuzzFeed got if you'd like. In it she says the dude knew all kinds of details about her financial situation, and she also makes clear that when she worked with Robert Mueller, he was always a fine-and-dandy gentleman to her.)

This morning, more journalists whose names you'll recognize started chiming in on Stedman's Twitter to say "THIS HERE'S SOME BULLSHIT."

Jane Mayer, for the record, says the woman's story is "fishier than a tuna sandwich."

Act Two: Meet 'Nother Lady!

Natasha Bertrand reports at The Atlantic that another lady named Jennifer Taub says she was also contacted to share her story about Robert Mueller, though she has never met Robert Mueller and therefore does not have a story about Robert Mueller. Dude offered to pay her but she was like hey dude fuck off. Also she is a law professor so perhaps the dudes trying to get random ladies to lie about Robert Mueller are not the brightest knives in the cookie jar.

Anyway, Mueller's office has referred this matter to the FBI and issued a statement, which means it's serious business, because Mueller's office usually only talks when it's saying GO TO JAIL, BORIS.

"When we learned last week of allegations that women were offered money to make false claims about the Special Counsel, we immediately referred the matter to the FBI for investigation," Peter Carr, the spokesperson for the special counsel's office, told BuzzFeed News on Tuesday.

That's kind of a big fuckin' deal and we are just a-guessin' people might end up in prison before this is all said and done.

QUICK INTERMISSION SO JIM HOFT, THE STUPIDEST MAN ON THE INTERNET, CAN EAT HIS OWN LEG ON STAGE WHILE THE AUDIENCE LOOKS ON IN HORROR.

Meanwhile, Jim Hoft, AKA The Gateway Pundit, is reporting on what looks like might have been another woman who actually took Jack Burkman's bait. (THIS IS THE PART WE FORESHADOWED.) Hoft has a breathless scoop that literally accuses Robert Mueller of a 2010 rape, replete with an affidavit that kinda sorta sounds like it was made up by Ed Whelan, though that is very unfair of us to say, as it does not even include Zillow real estate listings.

So, you know, send Jim Hoft's article to the FBI too, we guess!

UPDATE: Hahahahahahahahaha, guess Hoft got a scary phone call from the FBI or something, because he is now VERY CONCERNED and has taken his breathless scoop down. Also he is taking very seriously the allegations against his freelance idiot writer Jacob Wohl (did we mention Wohl occasionally writes words for Gateway Pundit?), which are detailed below in this post.

Anyway, read this and LOL:

Act Three: The Show Must Go On!

Jesus Christ.

OK, so Jack Burkman is on Facebook saying Robert Mueller is the biggest sexual harasser ever, and he's tweeting about a big and important and FOR REAL LEGITIMATE Mueller accuser, who definitely hasn't received a paycheck from Jack Burkman, even though SPOILER ALERT, we already know Jack Burkman is paying women to lie about Mueller.

Jack Burkman also emailed Natasha Bertrand to say he doesn't even know the woman who came forward to say he was trying to pay her to lie about Robert Mueller, and moreover he seems to accuse Mueller of putting her up to it, to distract from how he has the names of Mueller's REAL accusers right here on this notepad, right next to the name of Seth Rich's REAL killer.

IS THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLAY OVER YET?

No, we are sorry, it is not, and here's why. No play involving Jacob Wohl is a good play unless it features Jacob Wohl tripping on his dick and eating it like a Fruit Roll-Up. Natasha Bertrand reports more on the guy who allegedly approached the lady as a representative of Jack Burkman to offer to pay her dollars to lie about Robert Mueller.

The man who allegedly contacted the woman offering to pay her on Jack Burkman's behalf [whom Marcy Wheeler identifies as Bill Christensen - Ed.] said he worked for a company named Surefire Intelligence, which describes itself as "a private intel agency that designs and executes bespoke solutions for businesses and individuals who face complex business and litigation challenges." Surefire's domain records list an email for another pro-Trump conspiracy theorist ...

NAMED JACOB FUCKING WOHL.

For the record, Jacob Wohl has no idea about NONE OF THIS, according to Jacob Wohl, and Jacob Wohl would know, because if he was involved in this in any untoward way, the hipsters at the coffee shop would have told him.

Except for how one of the phone numbers for Surefire is also the phone number for Jacob Wohl's mom. That's according to Ben Collins of NBC News, who reports that Wohl was very chatty about all this until reporters brought up the thing about the phone number for Surefire going to Jacob Wohl's mom.

Surefire seems to be an all-around legit company. Click here to LOL and see why. Also, just this:


But that's probably just part of Robert Mueller's big conspiracy!

Curtain Call!

Popehat made a funny.

Popehat also is giving some nice fatherly lawyerly advice to some little shitheel who doesn't deserve it:

Wonkette is not as nice as Popehat, so we will just say all these motherfuckers need to GO TO JAIL.

Finally, we have no idea how yet, but we are almost 100% certain that Roger Stone is somehow involved in this. Call it a hunch.

In summary and in conclusion, how stupid is this story? Stupid enough that we're also almost 100% certain Sean Hannity will lead with it tonight and Donald Trump will tweet about it by Poop-Thirty tomorrow morning.

Stay tuned!

Also are you dead now? Well come back to life because this is your OPEN THREAD.

[BuzzFeed / The Atlantic]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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